| 2020 | 06 | 30 | dish soap |

we were 18, and drunk. 

hopefully the fact that we were 18 clarifies that we were very drunk and a little rowdy. 

it was a bbq turned party in the garden of my friend lucy and we were lamenting over the woes of our love lives. 

the attention had turned to newly single me, and how my self destructive behaviour had ended yet another love story early, with what could be somewhat described as fireworks. 

'you see the thing is sophie' (i'm heavily paraphrasing here because drunk people don't tend to get to the point within the hour) 'you just don't let your guard down'

Lucy had probably swilled most of her wine glass onto the floor so it's a miracle she'd managed to consume any at all, but her point still stood. 

it could be argued that my relationships had followed a similar recipe over the two years she'd known me - i start liking someone, they start liking me. i start liking them some more, panic they either don't like me that much or will end up being the cause of great pain, so take control of the situation and end it then and there. problem solved. 

i won't deny it. she was right. i can remember this conversation lasted another few hours, with the conclusion being i should jump straight in with another guy they knew i liked. 
cue: yet another relationship that ended badly. 

i can look back and smile on these mistakes, but in all honestly her words still ring in my ears. i'm not good at trusting people. i don't trust they'll think of me. i don't trust they'll consider my feelings when they're thinking of their future and decisions that will impact me. i don't trust they'll give me the same consideration i wholeheartedly give them. 

so i run. 

this is a habit i worked so hard to break. it's a legacy of my upbringing, and something i can feel is so ingrained into my very being. but it's also very unfair on the people around me. last night i felt the same fear rise up in my chest and i had to spend around two hours batting it away with whatever implements were to hand. mainly a tennis racket and two pairs of shoes. 

go figure.