Monday

| 2020 | 02 | 24 | weekly wind down 7 |

if you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock. that's very humerous.

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you can drink more coffee than you think.

as a headline this seems more of a challenge than reassurance.

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we live in a world of instant communication. or more significantly - where instant communication is possible.  it is possible to reply to messages straight away, but for some reason, this is not always the case. i don't say 'some reason' flippantly, i just mean, there is a reason. or there are some.

however there is an associated anxiety when people don't reply immediately when they could. you are able to convince yourself (especially in emotionally charged conversations) the reason for the lack of reply is directed at you. rather than a consequence of life. or some other external factor. you have no evidence for any reason for the delay so you assume the worst and you are more likely than not to make it centred around you.

there's a special, lonely kind of feeling when you're experiencing tensions with people who almost certainly aren't experiencing them back. for some it is a sense of control - by limiting responses or delaying response time you are in charge of the pace. for others though, they reply as and when (99%) and it has nothing to do with you.

some people associate emotion to the prioritsation of reply. others don't. and that's the problem. if you see it as important but they don't - they won't understand why it has caused a problem.

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case in point - i'm hurt because i left a note with the boy and he hasn't acknowledged it. and i'm starting to doubt he's actually into us as a thing. but he may not have found it. but because i don't know either of these things i'm assuming it's because he's mad at me for some reason. so i'm sitting here putting myself through it all when in reality he's just sitting eating toast and probably watching football highlights.

typical female eh?

- update : he hadn't found it.

see.

as per.

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it doesn't help that i'm not having a good week.

i feel a little that i'm the keeper of secrets and because they aren't mine i can't share the burden.

but in these two instances i probably really ought to.

i'm trying desperately to not allow mental fragility to seep into other areas of my life (see above note about boy) but right now i don't want it anymore.