| 2020 | 02 | 12 | how this came to be |

yesterday is now sorted on friday.
friday won't be sorted til saturday.
saturday won't be sorted at all because it's the end of the week.  

i've deleted social media off my phone.
so i basically mean facebook and instagram but my god it's already changed the way i use my phone and that does sort of upset me - in that i wasted so much energy and time on something which gives nothing back.

i notice it now when i'm sitting with my boyfriend and he doesn't hear what i say because his eyes are on his screen.

or when we wake up. the first thing i do is... well wake up.
he rolls over and scrolls through his phone for twenty minutes. or more. he doesn't say hi, or ask how i am. but takes more interest in the virtual, created world.

and i'm right there in person.

that content will be there forever.

but he's so much more absorbed in his phone and i never realised how much it makes me feel worthless. or not as good at the people on his screen - most of whom are strangers. i'm fighting for his attention against an app designed to do exactly that. i don't stand a chance.

 it's not what he intends but it's the message that is sent to me.

in that tiny gesture of prioritisation.

i come second. they come first.

that's what we all signal to those around us when we check our phones and reply to messages. or even scroll through facebook.

it's really important to remember they won't be there forever. they'll leave and go home and you might not see them again for weeks.

instagram won't be able to hold your hand when life turns against you.
facebook isn't going to bring you flowers or celebrate when you do something amazing.
but we hold them in higher esteem than someone who actually showed up.

typing this out - it's so obvious. 


hey ho.