| 2020 | 02 | 10 | banana pancakes |

I've spoken briefly previously on my pursuit of perfectionism.

a huge chunk of this surrounds my appearance and how i believe i present myself to the world.

in huge conflict with my growing admiration for natural beauty.

but weirdly, the more makeup i wear, the more self conscious i am to the point of checking my reflection in a mirror more often than i really should.


i'm gonna stop wearing foundation. and most make up. unless special occasions. but even then...

...i don't know.

today i didn't wear it for work. in part because i woke up late, boy didn't leave until late and i just didn't feel like rushing to get my face up to what i considered an acceptable standard.

don't get me wrong. it's a great creative outlet for me and some days i need the feeling of wearing armour.

but i also realised it eats into my time.

and as i left the house and walked down the road. nothing happened. life carried on.


time is something i'm really evaluating at the moment.
my routine has been streamlined.
my activities scrutinised.

i was taken back to a saturday morning with angus.
we were getting ready to leave the house.

no i'll rephrase.
i was getting ready and he was done and lying face down on my bed.

because i wanted to put makeup on.

oh and the time we were going round to his for chinese and i wanted to put make up on.

so we missed the beginning of the meal...


 we've normalised this process so  much in society we don't stop and think about what the action means to those around us.

I expect him to wait for me to apply products to my face so i look a certain way - despite him seeing me both before and after. and him not changing.

does me changing my appearance mean i think he should change his?
or others around me?

[those are seriously underdeveloped points and probably deserve a book].

but what i mean is.

i'm saying something with my actions. that i care about aesthetics. which i don't really. but it invalidates my words of appreciation if i don't act them out upon myself.

on some level my insecurity of self won't allow me to leave the house without applying products in a certain way because i don't think my natural self is enough.

that sucks.

applying makeup requires so many supplementary tools - and removing it requires even more. there are cleansers and second cleansers and primers and setting sprays and... the list goes on.

it stops me from going to bed when i'm tired because i have to take my makeup off.
it makes me hesitate to rest my head on people's shoulders because of foundation.
you can't itch your cheek because .. foundation.
eyebrows? don't touch those.

make up does so much more than have an aesthetic impact - it limits you physically too.


i'm going to amsterdam later this month with angus.
and i was having a little panic because i couldn't work out how i'd get all my makeup there
and then i realised i'd have to carry it too.

what if i don't take any?

the fact that this is some kind of revolutionary question is ridiculously dumb.

but its a weirdly exciting