| 2020 | 01 | 16 | sigh. |

i don't want to write about this because it makes me look like an awful person.

but i've been ignoring my credit card debt for a few years now.

it's taken the dawning of a new decade for me to face up to my ineptness as an adult and fully put together a proper plan of action.

if it weren't for the overarching guilt associated with this whole situation, i'd be sort of proud with this seemingly obvious revelation.

i could offer up so many excuses as to why i haven't acted sooner, the pain of why i got into this pickle in the first place etc. yada yada. but that just sounds like passing the blame. this is all my fault, even if it doesn't feel like it. my poor past decisions have led to this. and i refuse to make similar ones moving forward.

i'm also 100% responsible with sorting myself out. and i know i can.

i just clearly haven't wanted to.

it's very hard to admit personal failure, especially when you made such blatant and stupid life choices.

when you let your impulses get the better of you and start 12 months of .... idk. what shall we call it? the year of cock ups? the year i lost the plot?

- i live at home now. i'm not moving out again for a while. despite that being ridiculously embarrassing for my age, it's something i'm going to embrace. and be positive about
- i'm not going to indulge. don't get me wrong i know i'm particularly frivolous at times (i mean when doctors think your heart is going to stop i wasn't in the mood to hold back from buying chanel's newest fragrance, but that's in the past now) but i've calculated i have enough foundation to paint my house. i'll be okay.
- i'm not sure my pride is going to let this be a topic of conversation with anyone in my near circle. so i'm just going to have to be super careful with spending without coming across as .... anything but the cool, calm, collected cucumber i am.