| 2020 | 01 | 31 | january empties |

the first empties post of 2020. 


| Leganza | Colouring Conditioner | 32 | £4.75 | Amazon |
| Shockwaves | Volume Mousse | 200ml | £1.89 | Amazon |
| Garnier | Body repair lotion for dry skin | 400ml | £5.45 | Amazon |
| Garnier | Body repair lotion for dry skin | 400ml | £5.45 | Amazon |
| Marvis | Rambas Toothpaste | 75ml | £8.50 | Amazon |
| Tisserand | Muscle Ease Bath Oil | 100ml | £9.45 | Amazon |
| Nutravita | Biotin | 365 Tablets | £10.99 | Amazon
| Real Techniques | Miracle Complexion Sponge | £5.99 | Amazon |
| As I am | Coconut CoWash | £11 | Amazon |
| The Collection | Shower Gel | Lemon | Sainsburys |
| Elizabeth Arden | Eight Hour Hand Cream | 30ml | £10.00 | John Lewis |

body & misc: £74.32

| Amazon | Mama Bear Baby Wipes | 150 | £0.70 | Amazon |
| The Ordinary | Cold pressed rosehip seed oil | 30ml | £9 | ASOS |
| Clinique | Moisture surge overnight mask | 15ml | £7 | ASOS |
| Charlotte Tilbury | Instant Magic Facial Dry Sheet Mask | £18 | Charlotte Tilbury |
| Hada Labo | Hyaluronic Acid Lotion | 170ml | £9.95 | Amazon |
| Elizabeth Arden | 8 hour skin protectant | 50ml | £28 | Elizabeth Arden |
| Clarins | Gentle Foaming Cleanser | 150ml | £20 | Clarins |
| Glossier | The Solution | 130ml | £19 | Glossier |
| Waitrose | Cosmetic Pads | £1.30 | Waitrose |

face & makeup: £103.00

| Shay and Blue | Dandelion Fig | 30ml | £25 | Shay and Blue |
| Issey Miyake | L'eau d'Issey Pure | 30ml | £41 | The Perfume Shop |
| Clean Reserve | Sueded Oud | 5ml | £20 | Space NK |
| Clean Reserve | Rain | 5ml | £20 | Space NK |
| Clean Reserve | Citron Fig | 5ml | £20 | Space NK |
| StoneGlow | Blackberry and Bay | £9.99 | Amazon |
| Yankee Candle | White Spiced Cocoa | £8.99 | Amazon | 

Perfume - £144.98

Obviously these are direct replace costs rather than the amount used over the month.
I've started tracking products in, so will be able to work out how much they are costing during the time they are used.

grand total: £322.25

it's becoming clear my main 'costs' are perfumes and smells. which is ludicrous because they are the most transient and least visible.
the greatest luxury is dousing yourself in smelly water.

declutter total: £309.28
beauty purchases total: £242.19
empties total: £330.95

This month my costs relating to beauty, skincare and other bits has overwhelmingly come to near £900.
the bit that genuinely pisses me off is the declutter total. that's £10 a day that i'm basically just throwing in a shredder.

how bad is that?

I am anticipating February being significantly lower given the lack of declutter (honestly it's done) and i've had some serious words with myself about the things i bought.

i feel a lot better for having done this. removing the items which aren't serving me - but it feels so utterly wasteful.

i think i used to believe that having a new lipstick would reinvent me as a person.

repurchase list:
| Garnier | Body repair lotion for dry skin | 400ml | £5.45 | Amazon |
| Nutravita | Biotin | 365 Tablets | £10.99 | Amazon |
| Hada Labo | Hyaluronic Acid Lotion | 170ml | £9.95 | Amazon |
| Elizabeth Arden | 8 hour skin protectant | 50ml | £28 | Elizabeth Arden |

if i wear to buy something again, these are the only items to make the shortlist. i find it shocking that of the £330.95 grand total, only £54.39 of that was spent on products i'd happily buy again. (16%).
to be honest i should include the declutter in that figure too - of everything removed from my life across january (£640.23), 8.4% is all i found worthwhile. 

| 2020 | 01 | 30 | 30 days of cold showers. mastering the flinch |

another thing.

this week I deactivated my facebook.

i think instagram will be going soon too.

whilst i love a good browse, i also realise it increases my tendency to detach from reality (yes i know that's kind of why a lot of people do it). escapism.

but why do i want to escape?

in reality i don't it's just a bad habit i've developed.
i want to read more books. and write more. and take more photographs.

this month i'm going to quit bad habits.


to flinch:
to draw back or shrink, as from what is dangerous, difficult or unpleasant
to shrink under pain, wince


flinching is a defensive reflex used in dangerous situations.

we don't really experience those situations anymore.

yet still, much of modern life creates this type of response.

there is a need to stop defending oneself and focus on those fights which do matter.

stick with me here. i'm not losing my mind. our world has a huge safety net. you're probably going to be okay.

but still, we flinch for job interviews. for public speaking. the dark. hard conversations. sometimes easy ones.

you don't need adrenaline for those situations. but it's there.  in reality you need to suck it up princess and crack on, but your flinch is ever present and providing resistance.

if you don't test yourself you don't grow. you need to make mistakes, resist the flinch, and feel the lessons that come with the process.

to be wise isn't to be safe. it's not about building your defenses so thick you stop learning and making mistakes.

the anxiety of your flinch can be worse than the pain itself.

so that brings me back to freezing cold showers.

it's a discomfort which in our heads is greater than the discomfort of the activity itself.

out of everyone i have mentioned this to they have all physically recoiled. from cold water. they have flinched despite it not being their situation.

you need to move through the flinch and not rationalise your fears.

the ability to withstand your flinch is knowing the future will be better than the past. the moment you get out the shower will be warmer than the moment you get in.

understanding you'll be okay through the hard parts.

that's a life lesson i'm keen to embrace.

it's about creating a habit of doing something hard to make things better.


today was my first cold shower.

29 days to go.

some days i shower more than once (sport, life, everything) so none of these will be warm.

a loss of comfort doesn't have to be bad.


| 2020 | 01 | 30 | broccolus |

this year, i have vowed to be ordinary.

no extreme sports, no unnecessary targets, nothing to obsess over and no goals to surpass.

i am going to be bang on average.

let me be clear - i was never not average. but i applied the level of pressure on my self that it was some kind of life and death situation requiring a ridiculous level of perfectionism and anxiety.

it wasn't good for my brainspace.

i was too critical.
too harsh.
i wasn't bestowing upon myself the kindness i expect from others or to themselves.

silly really.

it was actually back when myself and angus were penpals when he pointed out that i could never si still.

i think he didn't realise how much i would ponder than point, but it's only recently that i truly realise how bad a habit it is.

| 2020 | 01 | 30 | declutter 2 |

| Bumble & Bumble | Surf Infusion | 100ml | £23 | ASOS |
| Bumble & Bumble | Surf Foam Spray | 150ml | £24 | ASOS |
| L'oreal | Techni Art Wild Stylers Scruff Me | 150ml | £14.99 | Sally Beauty |
| Batiste | Dry Shampoo | 200ml | £3.99 | Superdrug |
| Lottie | Eyeshadow Palette | The rusts | £4.95 | Feel Unique |
| Slick Gorilla | Hair Styling Texturising Powder | £9.49 | Amazon |
| Essie | Nail Polish | Bordeaux | £7.99 | ASOS |
| OPI | Top Coat | £12.50 | John Lewis |
| Sally Hansen | Varnish Remover | £2 | Amazon |


of bad decisions.

i wanted to differentiate between the things i was using up and those i was throwing out. because that's a very different category (hate vs love).


| 2020 | 01 | 29 | declutter 1 |

| Glossier | Perfecting Skin Tint | 30ml | £20 | Glossier |
| L'oreal | Infallible Shaping Stick | £8.99 | Look Fantastic |
| Vichy | Dermablend Fluid Corrective Foundation | 30ml | £20 | Escentual |
| Vichy | Dermablend 3D Correction Foundation | 30ml | £23 | Escentual |
| The Ordinary | Coverage Foundation | 30ml | £5.90 | Cult Beauty |
| Chanel | Vitalumiere Aqua | £37 | John Lewis |
| L'oreal | Infallible 24 Hr Foundation | £10.99 | Superdrug |
| Glossier | Generation G Lipstick | Zip | £14 | Glossier |
| Glossier | Generation G Lipstick | Jam | £14 | Glossier |
| Glossier | Generation G Lipstick | Like | £14 | Glossier | [not photographed]
| Dermocol | Make up cover foundation | £14.99 | Dermocol |
| Korres | Lip butter | 6g | £8 | Look Fantastic |
| L'oreal | Wild Stylers Depolish | £15.50 | Look Fantastic


of bad decisions.

i wanted to differentiate between the things i was using up and those i was throwing out. because that's a very different category (hate vs love).


| 2020 | 01 | 28 | beauty purchases january |

| Giorgio Armani | Luminous Silk Foundation | £42 | John Lewis |
| Clinique | Moisture Surge Overnight Mask | 15ml | £7 |
| Dr Jart+ | Dermask Vital Hydra Sleeping Mask | £14 | ASOS
| Laura Mercier | Tinted Moisturiser | £35 | Space NK |
| Laura Mercier | Primer Radiance | £30.50 | Space NK |
| The Ordinary | Buffet | £13 | ASOS |
| Clean Reserve | Sal Santal EDP | £45 | Coolshop UK |
| Garnier | Micellar Water | 125ml | £0.85 | Amazon | [not photographed]
| Garnier | Micellar Water | 125ml | £0.85 | Amazon | [not photographed]
| As I am | Leave in Conditioner | 237ml | £8 | Amazon | [not photographed]
| Conserve Beauty | Reusable cotton pads | 21 | £8.99 | Amazon
| The Body Shop | Camomile Cleansing Balm | £11 | The Body Shop |

total: £216.19

the equivalent of spending £7.50 a day.

| Garnier | Micellar Water | 125ml | £0.85 | Amazon | [not photographed]
| Garnier | Micellar Water | 125ml | £0.85 | Amazon | [not photographed]
| As I am | Leave in Conditioner | 237ml | £8 | Amazon | [not photographed]

| Conserve Beauty | Reusable cotton pads | 21 | £8.99 | Amazon | 
These were a direct replace of the disposable ones I had been previously using. so whilst significantly more expensive - they should last me borderline forever. 
I'm really happy with these so far - they're actually better quality than I had anticipated and wash fairly well. 

| Laura Mercier | Tinted Moisturiser | £35 | Space NK |
| Laura Mercier | Primer Radiance | £30.50 | Space NK |
My skin has been playing up recently - partly why I had such a forceful declutter of the older face products. 
I don't really want to wear any makeup, but as it stands a tinted moisturiser will be the happy middle ground. We can talk about the cost per use later. 

| Giorgio Armani | Luminous Silk Foundation | £42 | John Lewis |
one of my favourites.

| Dr Jart+ | Dermask Vital Hydra Sleeping Mask | £14 | ASOS | 
dr jart+ has some incredible testimonials to it's name and this sleeping mask is another strong product. you do need to wash it off though in the morning or else you'll find make up piles. in a bad way.

| The Ordinary | Buffet | £13 | ASOS |
i used this up last summer and genuinely noticed a difference in my skin. not much more to say really.

| Clinique | Moisture Surge Overnight Mask | 15ml | £7 |
absolute sucker for marketing. this was disappointing.
i also tried a sample of their supposedly super day moisturiser and that too, failed to deliver. clinique is just not the brand for me.

| The Body Shop | Camomile Cleansing Balm | £11 | The Body Shop |
In the spirit of buying some things conscientiously - this cleanser isn't in plastic. it's also recommended by my hero caroline hirons. what more could you want?

| Clean Reserve | Sal Santal EDP | £45 | Coolshop UK |
i don't need more perfume in my life. but this one is incredible. it's like a beach. i wore it on a jumper the other day and kept catching the scent.


| 2020 | 01 | 27 | lemon pie |

i'll get round to my previous week in a minute.

this morning was long.

i mean - i took the long route home from boy's house because i wanted to drag out the drive a little longer.

i wasn't ready for monday to hit me square in the jaw with a dose of reality.

i'm actually a little jealous of those with a commute because you get time to sort your thoughts. file them away. order them. colour code. you name it.

though i guess that's the benefit of no sleep whatsoever.

instead i have a ten minute walk broken by the road crossings and various obstacles.


dw attempt 2 has been on my radar since before i completed attempt 1. my sights were always on this one - and pushing my limits.


the hardest lesson has been to learn that i am not, in fact, completely invincible.

my time is such a valuable resource and i will not get enough from committing so much of it this time round.

it would be like investing your entire savings on the losing horse every time.

you sort of enjoy the buzz, but as you walk away it's been a complete waste of the one resource you can't get back.

i get to live this particular day once.
once through.
you wake up once.
you get to greet people once.
breakfast - once.

you get the picture?

it's so small but the little things add up.

but equally. you have to enjoy those moments rather than fretting over their transience (thank).

i'm going to try a week of less pressure more fun.

| 2020 | 01 | 27 | weekly wind down 4 |

what a week.
i feel like 

i found an iphone on monday, sitting in the grass. my initial thought was 'if i walk away it's not my problem' but alas. it became my problem. some detective work later and i'd reunited it with the grateful owner and felt like i'd achieved for the week. 

in the spirit of the post i'm trying to find the words to write - i'm doing new things. today - crossfit. 
oh wow. 

i'm still running. i'm still lifting weights. i'm still reading and writing and drawing and watching netflix. i'm still napping.


i'm not tired all the time.


i'm not stressing. i don't feel like i have this overbearing weight on my shoulders to do more. someone once mentioned i don't know how to do nothing.

well. watch me.

my hairs getting so so curly now.
the products i've cut out are maybe some of the better smelling ones - but look at the curls.
they're not neat, they're not frizz free. but.

oh and running club.

friday. saturday. sunday.
this weekend was awesome. ish.
okay awesome.
exceptional. busy.
i've done a lot of studying. i've done a lot of socialising. and exercise and sitting down.
i had a lie in.

i did not go near a boat.

i am not very good at photographs. i was actually telling myself to smile. 

i can confirm the below is not a smile.


| 2020 | 01 | 23 | battle of water |

chapters of your life.

but one day, your name didn't make me smile anymore.

i miss memories not you.


i am a habitual overthinker. i can't help it. some nights i stay up until 3 am running through the same conversation, over and over until sleep finally forces its way in and i hit a state of unconsciousnes. 

last night. 

i fell asleep in the warmth of another, before my dreams cruelly pulled me out of my slumber and left me lying there for 2 hours.

i know this because i made the rookie error of checking my phone. 

i was basically counting breaths until i could justify waking up and going back to my house to get ready for work. 

it's something i need to unlearn. 

thoughts are going to come and go whether we like them or not. 

it's how we deal with them that's important. instead of grasping them with both hands you have to wave them away and just forget. 

just let it go. 

| 2020 | 01 | 22 | reindeer |

i like how the peanuts fall to the bottom of the jar

i like how no one else wants their gherkins

i like the moment you feel sweat beading on your forehead.

i like the feeling of sun dried earth under bare feet.


this week has been sorta tough.

but anyway enough on that.


| 2020 | 01 | 20 | weekly wind down 3 |

i just want to say this was such a lovely weekend.

£18 - the leather washbag i've been coveting has finally come up on sale
£11 - new cleansing balm from the body shop
£20 - rucksack
£47.60 - monki skirts x 2
£9.99 - hangers
£5.24 - chocolate spread
£8.99 - reusable cotton pads
£7 - maccys and snacks
£20 - brunch

boring ease into the week

was quite tough.
i feel strong though.

gymmed with dad in the evening.
we don't spend a lot of time together so these days are important.
studying. tidying. life admin

thursday = tired.
i was not in the mood for anything.
went to the boys i think. no
he came to mine because his house isn't working. we walked to sainsbury's and nabbed some pizzas.

run in the moning.
myself and the boy went to see 1917 and honestly it was so good. we might've gone to asda afterward for snacks and McDonalds but there are worse things in life.
he stayed over with the plan of a lie in.....

i have not stayed in bed until 10.30 in forever.
it was bliss.
like genuine, restful bliss (ignoring the caffeine headache punching a hole in my skull) i woke up feeling refreshed and ready. i think that's how sleep is meant to make you feel.
we meandered down to the river and along for brunch at coopers before slowly making our way back. it was amazing.
the gym that afternoon was really productive and then i had a nap.
i think my body needed this.
that evening i drove across to reading to see someone i consider a best friend and we spend 5 hours catching up - covering everything from quitting kayaking to our respective men.

another sort of lie in before gymming with the pa.
i then nipped back over to reading to be introduced to a niche coffee shop, an amazing burger place and then some swans before having - you guess it - another nap.
dad cooked us dinner whilst we watched doctor who before i went to boys house to finally finish prison break.


| 2020 | 01 | 20 | meerkats |

relationships are weird aren't they?

everyone just wants to be happy. like - that's actually all there is.

but for some reason we all massively over complicate every aspect of our lives until we're just chasing our tails and making the same mistakes over and over and going nowhere.

i am now at the point in my life where i've had three relationships which passed the two year mark, another which was close. i've dated sufficiently that i consider myself a professional (lol jk) but i've learnt a lot about my own behaviour in the process. 

and i'm trying desperately to not make the mistakes i seemed quite happy to make before. because it's not fair to bring learnt habits with you then expect forgiveness or tolerance. 

no. you need to ensure you're ready to enter someone else's life space. you need to make sure you're level headed and fair. you need to be kind and patient and reasonable. and remember that the whole point of the exercise is to be happy. 

no but seriously. sometimes you just do things. 


two of my ex's were so vocally against valentines or showing any form of affection. 
i realise now that's cause one was cheating and didn't want her to find out we were still together and the other didn't want to feel guilty because he'd be late and forget our plans or feel pressure to actually care. but that doesn't really excuse how little they'd make me feel for even suggesting we did something small.

and i get that the day itself is so overhyped and commercialised that it loses some of it's niceness - but in reality you should be excited by the prospect of spending one entire day thinking and showing appreciation for your other person. that's what it boils down to. unashamedly saying 'hey you, i like you and want to hang out. lets go'

so when i tentatively broached the subject today with the boy and wasn't met with aggression, manipulation or some other negative emotion - i didn't actually know how to react. 

he just suggested plans and then that was it.

i basically wanted to punch past me in the face for putting up with the other bits. i honestly shake my head so hard sometimes at the rudeness i'd tolerate and allow. common decency isn't something you should treat like a rare pokemon and celebrate. no.

if you're into someone - go tell them. 



| 2020 | 01 | 16 | sigh. |

i don't want to write about this because it makes me look like an awful person.

but i've been ignoring my credit card debt for a few years now.

it's taken the dawning of a new decade for me to face up to my ineptness as an adult and fully put together a proper plan of action.

if it weren't for the overarching guilt associated with this whole situation, i'd be sort of proud with this seemingly obvious revelation.

i could offer up so many excuses as to why i haven't acted sooner, the pain of why i got into this pickle in the first place etc. yada yada. but that just sounds like passing the blame. this is all my fault, even if it doesn't feel like it. my poor past decisions have led to this. and i refuse to make similar ones moving forward.

i'm also 100% responsible with sorting myself out. and i know i can.

i just clearly haven't wanted to.

it's very hard to admit personal failure, especially when you made such blatant and stupid life choices.

when you let your impulses get the better of you and start 12 months of .... idk. what shall we call it? the year of cock ups? the year i lost the plot?

- i live at home now. i'm not moving out again for a while. despite that being ridiculously embarrassing for my age, it's something i'm going to embrace. and be positive about
- i'm not going to indulge. don't get me wrong i know i'm particularly frivolous at times (i mean when doctors think your heart is going to stop i wasn't in the mood to hold back from buying chanel's newest fragrance, but that's in the past now) but i've calculated i have enough foundation to paint my house. i'll be okay.
- i'm not sure my pride is going to let this be a topic of conversation with anyone in my near circle. so i'm just going to have to be super careful with spending without coming across as .... anything but the cool, calm, collected cucumber i am.


| 2020 | 01 | 16 | spooky caramel |


| 2020 | 01 | 15 | i'll have five thanks |

i have no idea why i thought it would be a good idea staying up til around 1am on facetime.

but it happened.

instead of exercising this morning i treated myself to a tropical mix of a hair mask and mango porridge.

i smell delicious.


there's frost on my windscreen. it shimmers in the low morning sunlight like glitter. i hate dark mornings and the cold.
i wait for the de-icer to dissolve my sparkling decoration and my mind wanders as i pull away slowly, shaking my head as i dream of the coffee i'll have at home.
i feel settled in the talking part.


i'm a forgotten dream by morning.
i'm a cup of tea gone cold.
i'm a sock, lost between the washing machine and drawers
i'm misplaced house keys
i'm your half written note to self by the phone
i'm all the words
i'm none of the words you didn't mean to say
i'm the dishes piled by the sink
i'm the netflix series you never finished
i'm all the places you walked past, never to explore
i'm the alarms you snoozed
i'm everything you failed to see
i'm your motivation on a lazy sunday
i'm the cool breeze off the water
i'm burnt toast.


oh, the irony.
how novel


i want to write the story i started but i don't know how to get it out of me and into you.
a bit like throwing sand at a seagull and hoping it sticks.


| 2020 | 01 | 13 | weekly wind down 2 |

big old nope

£5.28 - listerine tabs
£42 - coat
£75 - coat
£1.50 - nail deposit


monday was probably a bit blah.

was quite tough.
i feel strong though.

gymmed with dad in the evening.
we don't spend a lot of time together so these days are important.

thursday = tired.
i was not in the mood for anything.
went to the boys i think. no
he came to mine because his house isn't working. we walked to sainsbury's and nabbed some pizzas.

run in the moning.

our first run of the full support crew and training.
i'm terrified.
we went out into beaconsfield that evening with the boy and his family+. it was nice to actually have some semblance of socializing which wasn't completely dictated by the wake up the morning after.
i did want to drink, and felt like a proper party pooper. but it is what it is.

training again.
then a seriously boring day involving all manner of chores, studying and naps.
boy came round in the evening and we finally watched his favourite film -  interstellar.
i see why he loves it.
but it's also a bit depressing.

isn't it funny how you can listen to a certain song and a particular person springs to mind.

| 2020 | 01 | 13 | i wasn't always shiny |

this weekend was busy. like.


saturday was a combination of kayaking and kayaking.

we covered the bit between monkey marsh and dreadnaught with a fulled manned support crew.

it was good because it meant we were able to see where everything is at - and where we can improve.

> we cocked up badly on a low bridge.
i laughed about it afterwards but it could have been pretty nasty.

along the canal there are a few low bridges. they're quite narrow but there isn't a lot of clearance. some crews prefer to portage these - probably to avoid what we did.

we were travelling at 9.5mph on a flowing stretch (where the river weaves in and out). cockiness meant on the approach we overestimated the gap between the water and the underneath of the bridge.
the usual process is for me to duck around 2m away (head between my knees) and mark will stay upright until he's sure i'm clear.

what you don't want to hear is 'NO STOP' being yelped and a big brace being put into the water.
i had no time at all to sit up and push my arms out in front of me with the bridge centimeters in front of my face.
that's around 160kg of mass to slow from 9.5mph to stopping.
i'm lucky i didn't injure myself, or get knocked out.


we can't make poor judgement like that in the dark.

we just can't.


sunday was good.
another paddle in another boat.

my core felt stretched to the limit.

i need more sleep.


| 2020 | 01 | 10 | curveball |

it's funny how you can wake up in such a good mood and go from 100 to 1 in less than 30 seconds.

the impulsive side of me wants to press self-destruct and watch everything burn, but there's a slightly less vocal but insistent voice which is saying on repeat 'wait 5 minutes'.

for now. i'm waiting 5 minutes.

on repeat.

this is the side of my personality i dislike .

the fiery, temperamental one.
the impatient one.

i'm usually very good at pro-actively staying on top of it. past experience has shown that it's not endearing to bite everyone. i'd like to think i'm at a point where i'm considered to be mild mannered and level headed.

can confirm.

not the case.

fuming mate.


you wanna send me that wikipedia article again?

the barbers with a parrott

non sequitur::
a literary device often used for comedic purposes. said because of its apparent lack of meaning relative to what preceded it. 

n.b. not to be confused with a non sequitur in a logical argument - a fallacy. 

it is the construction of invalid or faulty reasoning to purposefully manipulate and deceive. however, it is possible for some people to genuinely just make a mistake - or be ignorant.

formal fallacies can be expressed neatly in a standard system of logic (see propositional logic, true or false argument flow). these propositions can be connected by logical connectives and are known as compound propositions. if they are unconnected they are called atomic propositions. 

informal fallacies are more to do with reasoning error rather than in the logical form of the argument. 

so. a deductive argument containing an informal fallacy may be formally valid but remain unpersuasive.  

i hate deductive logic btw. 

| 2020 | 01 | 10 | vanilla sky |

i was terrified. so i did it anyway
*he's not your boyfriend, he's an asshole
poured chocolate
stumbling blocks


| 2020 | 01 | 09 | my reading list |

lord of the flies
fahrenheit 451
his dark materials
the bluest eye
brave new world
life of pi
the great gatsby
the metamorphosis
the handmaids tale
norwegian wood
ocean at the end of the lane
v for vendetta
city of masks

i've read some of these before.

some of them i've started and been unable to finish.


reading for me is a bit of a ballache.

i'm dyslexic and genuinely words are hard.


| 2020 | 01 | 07 | we played risk |

astronomical winter begins on the winter solstice and ends 3 months later.
meteorological winter starts on the 1st december and also ends 3 months later.

i just wanted to clear that up.


i've just cancelled my amazon prime membership.


i can't wait until i'm a married housewife and engage in the side by side marital scrolling of social media every morning. what bliss that will be.


i'm currently trying to stick to a few things this year.

1. read more
2. stretch more (surprise surprise)
3. do better.


| 2020 | 01 | 06 | weekly wind down 1 |

weekly wind down. one of my most catchy formats.

i think i had it running between 2012-2016.

£10.60 - medicine. i managed to pick up some kind of cough/cold/throat illness which left me voiceless and sad.
£22 - a new oversized hoody (in xxl i'll have you know)
£67.50 - charlotte tilbury moisturiser. eeesh. this is naughty.
£21 - 2 x overnight face masks. oops
£17 - kayaking stuff
£6 - snacks

first day of the year we paddled. and did a warm up run.
this is me not long after in quite possibly my greatest look.

meant to be my first day back in work however - i was resting in bed.
braved the outside to pick up some cough remedies but otherwise kept myself locked inside.

the second first day for me.

another training session and then my mother came down from the north to see me.
we mooched around john lewis trying on every lipstick and foundation sample.

race day. what a mess day.

i'm going to blame myself for the failure of our boat .


| 2020 | 01 | 01 | december empties review |

well, this isn't the post i thought i'd be kicking off the new year with but... here it is. 

| Dr Bronners | Pure Castille Soap | 946ml | £19.99 | Amazon |
Okay so this gets some of the best reviews ever for what it is, but meh. i didn't really like it as a shower gel nor a bubble bath. it's quite drying. WNRP.

| Marvis | Royal | 75ml | £8.50 | Amazon |
fancy toothpaste that tastes weird? here you go! WNRP.

| Marvis | Mouthwash | 120ml | £11.99 | Amazon |
if you want to feel like you've cleaned the insides of your sinuses - this is the product for you. i sneezed every time. WRP.

| Tresemme | Botanique Nourish and Replenish | 400ml | £4.99 | Superdrug |
I've been using this as part of a new hair routine - and i'm genuinely impressed. it leaves my hair smelling like coconut (weirdly) and it's really well priced. WRP.

| Fudge | Membrane Gas | £14.95 | Look Fantastic |
back when i used to back comb my hair beyond recognition and basically rub it on the carpet - this was the product for me. it would literally stand on end. but i don't do that anymore. so i don't need something which has the holding power of cement. WNRP.

body & misc: £60.42

| Amazon | Mama Bear Baby Wipes | 150 | £0.70 | Amazon |
see previous. will continue to use.

| The Ordinary | Coverage Foundation 1.0N | £6 | ASOS |
i'm moving away from coverage foundations - i prefer light, barely there looks. it's great for the price point and what it offers, but i don't want this type of foundation anymore. WNRP.

| Timeless | 20% C+E Ferulic Acid Serum | 30ml | £24.99 | Timeless |
i have already repurchased this. not much more to say. it's an antioxidant which actually makes a difference. WRP.

| Becca | First Light Priming Filter | 30ml | £28 | Space NK |
twenty eight pounds for this. no. i think i've actually bought a more expensive one which does make a difference.

| The Body Shop | Vitamin E Face Mist | 100ml | £10 | The Body Shop |
i don't think it makes too much of a difference which spray you use (this clearly means i haven't found my holy grail yet). WNRP.

| L'Oreal | Infallible 24 Hour Matte Porcelain | 35ml | £7.99 | Boots |
see above about the heavy foundation. this is one of the most obvious 'clearly there' looks you could get. i'm sure it fulfils the infallible claims but i'm not too interested in those if i look like i'm covered in skin coloured icing. WNRP.

| Soap & Glory | Thick and Fast Mascara | £10 | Boots |
mascara for me doesn't make a difference whether it was really expensive or really cheap. WNRP.

face & makeup: £87.68

| Solinotes | Vanille | £10 | Urban Outfitters |
| Shay and Blue | Blood Orange | 10ml | £25 | Shay and Blue |
| Urban Outfitters | Pistachio Brulee | 30ml | £14 | Urban Outfitters |
| Bvlgari | Aqva Marine | 50ml | £46 | The Perfume Shop |
| Clean Reserve | Warm Cotton | 5ml | Space NK |
| Clean Reserve | Blonde Rose | 5ml | Space NK |

i don't have time to properly talk about each of these scents in depth (each of them does deserve it). i'm a bit sad to have finished aqva - it was my go to during DW 2019 so brings back some weird memories.

Perfume - £135

Obviously these are direct replace costs rather than the amount used over the month.

grand total: £283.10

this is a little bit better than last month - but it's a huge amount of money to be burning through each month.

the number doesn't reflect how much i've spent - that'll be something i'm going to keep an eye on next month (conveniently avoiding acknowledging the monster charlotte tilbury order this week - which btw i am in love with).