| 2019 | 12 | 10 | brittle |

my legs vaguely resembled jelly as i careened through the final 2 minutes of the effort, my momentum alone keeping me upright through the dodgy terrain. i was increasingly aware of how precarious each step was, but equally invested in outputting a pb, so mainly ignoring the potential for injury or pain.

I stopped moments after the beep and let out a huge exhale of breath, doubled over as i checked my watch.

inwardly celebrating, i looked around, with only cows to keep me company. they didn't really care that i'd just knocked 136 seconds off my previous best. no one did. except me.

it was at that point i was struck suddenly by how lonely running was.

i guess that's the main draw of it as an activity.

the release. the detachment from anything and anyone else.

but i also long for someone who gets it.

the closest people who i know relate are either in nottingham or cornwall and whilst we share training experiences daily, nothing beats crossing the line together.

friends and family are easily fatigued with tales of training. unless you're in the midst of it - it's not particularly of interest. i have some of my greatest successes and failures out on the water, and i realise now it's fuelling an improvement of character to experience these things alone. obviously my team mates are beside me, and we're all in it together, but when push comes to shove they're not going to do it for me.

when i'm with fellow kayakers we can dissect one race for hours, but when telling anyone else their focus wanes after two sentences. the intricacies of struggle, the highs, the lows, the memorable snippets are all lost in 'yeah it was really good thanks', or doing it a greater disfavour 'yeah. not too bad.'

the more you race and train - then the more time you spend with your internal dialogue.

the thoughts you lose along the way are sometimes the most important.

i'm almost at the end of reading one of the best books i've ever had the chance to absorb, but he neglects to talk about his training. 

he touches upon it from time to time, but doesn't delve into the process. or his mindspace. whether its hard to motivate a run, or whether he's itching to churn up some mud.