| 2019 | 11 | 16 | drip drop tick tock |

it's funny how with the distancing of time i've forgotten quite a lot of the smaller moments.

the tiny successes. the dull ache from start to finish.

i do remember feeling happy the whole way. excited. i felt tired, but positive. and scared. waiting for the eventual fall. (which took around 18 hours to rear its ugly head).

looking back, the DW is some kind of distant dream. i'm not sure if i'm really remembering it - or just filling in blank spaces with how i'd hoped it would had happened. 

i remember shouting happy birthday to maddy at cookham. but i've also confused cookham bridge with the one after boulters and she's now wearing a bright pink coat - which i'm 100% certain didn't feature at all.

hey ho.

it's like some elusive secret. that's why i've gotta go back and do it over again.


so it was actually during a meal out on friday where i started to muse over the whole thing.

I'd been telling A about how the race actually went, and the fun we had. i caught myself because i spend so long trying not to talk about the DW that i can't enjoy the memory itself. it's a guilty pleasure to unload some tales of the race, because my god there were tales.

i want to tell the story from start to finish. but everyones either heard it all before - or they were there. or they have so little understanding of what i'm talking about it's of no interest to them. my colleagues are sick to death of kayaking chat. my dad doesn't really want to hear it and most of my friends kayak so don't get the same delight from altering a paddle angle.

but. i have 20 hours of a thing to unpack - of which i spent 99% in complete silence. i didn't get to enjoy the experience because it was fraught with nerves. a fear that something could go so seriously wrong we'd jeopardise the whole thing.

then when it was over we had to drop DW fever because everyone around us was sick of hearing about 'this lock' or 'that weir' and they'd stayed up all night fuelling our own personal dream.

i normally spend half a day after each 'normal' race talking about it. so when something is around ten times longer i'm gonna be chatting for a week. except no. once it was done it was done. people would ask 'how was it??' and you'd have to condense a 6 month experience into around 5 words.


anyway. what i'm trying to say is that DW2020 is now on my mind. it's firmly being daydreamed - this year i know what to expect so the daydreams are a little more accurate.

like. before. i wasn't sure i could actually pee in the boat. but now i have no doubts about myself.



and on that note.

it's around this time where i regret my ban on writing about actual things on here.

there's a lot in my life i omit. people. places. experiences. emotions.

i'm worried i'll forget those things in the future. but certain other things i want to share.


i had a dream last night called 'the strangest of things' which was basically the english remake of stranger things in which ron weasley kept yelling 'oh bloody hell' at every bad situation.

i think a bit of british humour would really elevate the show above it's current status. it's missing that witty character with a bit of cynicism and sarcasm.

'oh billy what you like eh?'

'el, you really shouldn't exert yourself like that, you'll get a nosebleed! oh. there she goes again'