Thursday

| 2019 | 04 | 18 | post |

staring. out the window. at the words you cannot read. at the back of your eyelids as you cannot sleep.

emptied. soft bones. so the muscles aren't really there. focus is soft. focus is hard.

stopping as you pour the kettle. stopping because you realise you haven't been breathing. or you think you have. too aware. not aware enough. making things difficult.

stopping because a sound reminds you.

stopping because things have moved on.

stopping because you haven't moved on.

time passing. time going slowly. time all together moving in waves.

feeling everything. feeling nothing.

because it was real. and there. and strong.

---

if i suddenly had all the money i could want for. i'd pay my dads mortage off. then i'd probably just. get rid of it all.

the satisfaction of life is not determined by the success but the length of the struggle.

we don't grown and learn without adversity or pain.

for me.

my greatest struggle is pressing the big off button located somewhere on my forehead which would bring about blissful sleep.

that month i realised that even small doses of codeine knock me senseless was a good month of sleep..

today I am awake at 4am and I know why.

you probably do too.