| 2019 | 04 | 17 | pre dw. the nerves |

all my posts lately have been a bit downbeat, so i'm sorry. i'm sorry i find it therapeutic to put to paper that which is bothering me.


i have an endurance race on saturday.

i also have two conflicting voices in my head which are making my brain hurt and my soul cry.

it's going to be the most fun thing ever
the niggling doubt - i'm simply not good enough.

all it took was one published list (for fun i might add) and my entire confidence was shook.

i saw my name near the names of those i've been looking up to. near the names of people who have earned their place and i feel like i'm an imposter. i came second a few weekends ago and i couldn't quite accept it. i am not good enough to be coming second. so why did i?!

how dare i take second place from someone else.

who the hell do i think i am?

i'm not good at running.

my technique is horrendous.

the choices i make aren't smart.

i didn't deserve that prize.

the voice in my head was winning again.

for me. this is huge. this is so much more than a race.

this is a moment to prove that everything i've worked towards has been worth it.

but mainly it's another pawn in my ongoing battle. with myself.

because i'm my own worst enemy.

to add to an already lengthy list of issues, some a bit less pretty than others. i've had some serious knockbacks recently.

this time last year, i was almost put in hospital. that has since happened twice. three times in a year my body has just... given up. or been unable to handle the challenges pushed my way. it's frightening. it makes me grab at everything i can because i'm so afraid one day i won't be able to do it anymore.

it's why i get so angry when i underperform. i'm wasting time. i'm wasting my breath. i'm wasting precious moments i won't have again.

for me. the biggest doubt comes from within. because time and time again i fall. because no matter how high i climb, somehow i manage to let go. the only person who can decide to succeed is me but for some reason i let it slip through my fingers.

the fight to get back up gets harder each time.

so when i have to stand up. when i have to perform. there's always something reminding me that i've never quite been good enough.

it starts deep inside.

this hugely overwhelming feeling. it feels like the ground i walk isn't steady and any moment i'll fall.

despite everything i do, despite being absolutely okay, i'm never satiated. i'm never going to say 'you know, i did alright that day'. because i didn't. categorically. i can do better. i should. so why don't i?


i'm so frightened that i will fail to succeed this weekend and this weekend will forever be the thorn in my side. it took me a year to get over my failed ultra attempt - and even now it makes me well up. it hurts my chest that i couldn't take one more step. it hurts my soul that i couldn't complete, that i couldn't get to that finish line. then my mum reminds me i had a dislocated bone and was on crutches for months and no one could get through that... but i can't seem to put the two stories together.