| 2019 | 03 | 31 | trucking |

This was such a good weekend. Honestly. 

I spent yesterday doing the one thing that I really do enjoy - paddling. trashing up and down the thames.

we did the first 13 miles upstream, meeting another crew at Longridge before we all headed downstream toward Windsor. the sun was out, we were paddling nicely and everything was generally quite perfect. 

lunch in town. blueberry muffins and a twist of drama. 

i hate drama. 

actually, it was quite an interesting situation. one that i've only ever been on one side of but watching it as a bystander was the interesting bit. the woman before us in the queue had been served one of those sugar filled starbucks drinks, but the server had opted to slide it across the counter. lady was not impressed. in fact, i'd say by her vocal detestation, she was very not impressed.

phrases like 'this isn't mcdonalds' and 'do your job', 'the customer is always right' left her surprisingly loud face and again. i was torn. in fact, the customer is not always right. we should be respectful of one another and whilst, yes, maybe him serving her that way wasn't to her liking, but given how much of the cost of her drink would go into his wages - i'm more on his side. 

anyway i digress. 

the point being. we should all just be nice. why can't we all be nice. 

not enough people act out of pure kindness, it's always questioned, doubted and undermined. 

three weeks.

In three weeks time I will have completed the DW. I'm scared because.

Well I don't know.

Because it's not my natural habitat?

Obviously the river is. Obviously the outdoors is. but this year has been the steepest learning curve for me and i'm not sure it's enough.

> before august last year, i'd never paddled a proper racing k2. let alone added in the other complications of challenging weather, long sessions and portaging under pressure
> this is my first year of doing the watersides (thameside 1 also but we didn't do it) and paddling on the canal. I know water is water, but it's different water.
> it's not just that i haven't done this before it's that we're trying to do quite well. if this was just a case of paddle the course, do the bits in between - it would be fine. but we don't just want to get sucked into the pack.

> i don't like to tell people, but my health right now sucks. in a really big way. i don't want to write it all down here but i would like to have this as a record of where things are at. got it? got it.

imagine every time you went to do something, feeling like you'd already done it ten times before starting. sitting on the start line of waterside c last weekend, my heart rate was all over the place, i was short of breath and my legs were burning from lactic acid. before the start. this is my new normal though. if i want to do the things i want to do - it's just something i have to accept.

stuff like running up the stairs can wipe me out.

our paddle yesterday was awesome, but by the end I was hurting. for me, it's normal, but one day i'd like to not have that constant pain. we went into windsor afterwards and honestly I could have just laid down right then and there. in a corner. we sat in a restaurant for an hour. my hands were hurting. i could have cried. getting changed in the car park i wanted to be sick -

i'm really nervous of the downtime from the dw. i'm prepared for it - don't get me wrong, but i'm scared. i'm now more worried about that than the actual race.

same applies to next weekend's race. waterside d. it's going to be 5 hours. i'm desperately trying to improve my iron stores but unfortunately it's a huge uphill battle, i'm using more than my body can keep hold of. blah. lots of people are anaemic. but they're not being idiots.

it's very strange because in terms of numbers, i'm back where i was last september. before those two months of hell. my GP suspects this time round i'm better at managing it and in some way used to it but i'm so anxious that one day i'm going to wake up and whatever is keeping me propped up will be pulled out from underneath me. if it can hold out for another 3 weeks that would be swell.

in the meantime.

keep trucking.