| 2019 | 03 | 12 | to those things i left at the zoo |

it's back. 

i love it. the inability to sleep. 

let me tell you something you won't realise in your unconscious state of bliss. 4 am is truly the loneliest time. 

it's not nice. the rest of the world is asleep except for a few internet friends across the globe and it's 

i'm sorry for the above. it's a waste of time. 

i talk drivel, nonsense and giggle. but there are few points, and they are made far between. 

i used to be afraid of being myself. of publicly just being the goof i am, and part of that is because so is everyone else. 

i feel quite hypocritical. i talk about individuality and doing things 'your way', yet in my daily life there are some days i don't abide by this at all. if you see me being me - you're probably one of the lucky few.

this feeling of inadequacy extends to my private life too. i don't allow myself to enjoy my truly dorky activities, i have a soft spot for things i don't allow myself to vicariously enjoy them because it feels wrong. 

i don't share my music and truly i want to write so many things on here that i don't for fear of the judgement that will come with. 

i don't allow myself to follow my dreams. i stop myself sitting and practicing my singing because i worry it's not a good use of time. 

i don't think i'm likable to other people. i'm not funny, or sweet and i don't say witty responses at the right point in conversations. all in all. i'm quite up front and sometimes come across as rude. 

i've toned myself down a lot and allow the bits of me that are probably most my character to hide away. 

i was being myself .and i hate it. i want to delete it. i want to delete that part of me and never see it again. 

but it's tiring. hating the parts of you that make you you. 

it's a struggle. 

but i probably should be more me. even if it means i devote entire days to geeking out in secret. or completing my projects. or 

i have a wish list this year. i really owe it to myself to finish it before i grow old and look back with only regret in my heart.

starting with.

i'm gonna go be the duvet monster i want to be.