Monday

| 2019 | 02 | 18 | do you want to build a snowman? |

the dichotomy of the performed self vs our internal monologue - the difference between those who look like they have it together and those who don't.

no one feels great 100% of the time, but because there are people who effectively manage to veil their feelings we think that they are

Here. my performance.

the smart coat, the nice bag and the over-ear headphones all scream - come at me day.

what you can't see in the background

the clothes thrown everywhere because i'm running late and can't find my favourite top. the fact i only have one sock on. the tiredness hidden behind concealer.


I always wonder whether the people who are most together are the ones who have stopped pretending they aren't.
---

the only parts of the past that still exist are the ones that we carry with us. The only parts that are still real are the lessons learned. the scars on our skin, the homes we build and the people who still walk beside us.

so what i'm trying to say, we don't leave anything behind. it's all here now.

but equally we don't walk away from something because we run out of love. we walk away because we run out of growth and space.

---

I realise now, what everyone truly wants is a nice person.


It's not about bravado, being cheeky or keeping you on edge.

> it's about meeting someone who is prepared to be honest, and vulnerable. without it being a game.
> it's about cherishing someone who will answer immediately,
> when you meet someone who keeps on trying to win you over, even when you're already theirs
> when you meet someone who cares. not just to prove a point.

I've rejected people in the past, the ones who call me back even after I hang up .
I've let people go who are prepared to fix things, instead of sleeping on a fight.
When someone drives for hours to see me, not just at their convenience.
when someone surprises me, i laugh it off, rather than seeing just how special it is.

I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to closing off the world.