| 2019 | 02 | 14 | depth and breadth |

I wrote this, maybe two years ago.

I was trying to fathom the concept of both being, and falling out of, love.


so i'm going to start on a day
It was a normal day. the sun rose at some early time, and i rose not too much later.

I'm a light sleeper you see, and the blinds were the type to let most of the dark out. Quietly, or as much as I could, I ran to the kitchen and put the kettle on to boil. There's not a lot you can do when it whistles, but I did what I could and stopped it eventually.

The coffees I made were both too strong and too watery for anyone's taste, but they would do the job. I spilt most of it on a discarded pillow, thrown from the bed at some unnecessary hour, but some of it made it to the desired location - hands outstretched from underneath the duvet.

A grown was all the thanks I got for the scalding liquid, quickly disposed of, before we resumed the previous sleeping position. I lay there in the morning sun watching the light flicker on the wall.

It was going to be a good day.

As I finally rolled out of bed, he grabbed me firmly around the waist and pulled me into a hug, wrapping a leg round mine when I tried to escape. My attempts to free myself resulted in a tickle fight, one which the pillows and various items of clothing also got involved.

We were breathless, rosy cheeked and laughing - and almost definitely going to be late.

He actually had to leave before I did, and had cut it quite fine. I'd managed to get myself ready and was sitting eating my porridge in the conservatory, soaking in the morning sun. He'd been putting on his shoes but I could now feel his eyes on me.

'You're beautiful. You know that?'

I scoffed, ruffling my hair and scrunching up my face.

'No seriously. You're beautiful to me.' Slowly he came over and draped his arms around my shoulders.

'Yeah and you'll be late, you know that?' I turned to him, our noses almost touching.

'I wouldn't miss moments like these. Not for anything'

He said goodbye and headed out the door. Moments later I had chased him to his car barefoot and planted a kiss on the side of his neck before running back inside. My phone buzzed.

It was him. I couldn't stop smiling.

lets try another day. the same one. except it wasn't.
It was a normal day. The sun rose at some early time. I rose not too much later.

I sat on the side of the bed, and sighed. Rubbing my eyes I stood up - without looking at him. I grabbed my phone and walked from the room. The kettle was on, and I let it whistle for longer than necessary. Sighing, I pulled a half washed mug from the sink and plonked it down. Unable to find a suitable spoon I poured an amount of instant coffee in, adding too little sugar and what remained of the milk.

My coffee did the job. I jumped into the spare room bed and started scrolling through my phone. Around half an hour later I went back into our room, noticing he was already up and already on his phone - which was quickly slid under pillows.


There was nothing between us, yet there was so much. A distance we couldn't cover.

I met his eyes and for a brief second saw the boy I'd fallen for, but he quickly averted his gaze.

The tension was there. Not wanting to break the silence we chose instead to busy ourselves, putting a greater amount of vigour into getting dressed than was necessary. I'd never ironed my jeans before.

He didn't mention my hair. and I chose to overlook the fact he had new aftershave.

The goodbye was dutiful, The kiss on the cheek brief, without emotion.

I stood in the doorway after he left. Hand resting on the back of the door as if I could call him back.

There was no affection, the love (and I say love, before at one point we cared desperately), had dissolved.

Do you know what the rule is when everything hurts? When your emotions threaten to overwhelm and hurt?

You smile.

You take a deep breath in. You close your eyes and reassess the moment. Look out the window. Go on. Look. Take in the trees, the birds, or even just your neighbours wall.

Now breathe out. Let the smile spread slowly. Let it move. Let the pain in your chest go. It will spread first. It will feel overwhelming. but, you have to let it go.