| 2019 | 02 | 08 | i like cheese on toast |

There are words sometimes, which perfectly sum up an emotion. But more often than not, you can't.

The depth of feeling is rarely acknowledged because to admit how far down it goes is often perceived as weakness.

But it takes great courage to allow something to permeate so far, because if it is lost, the space it leaves is far greater than the space it once occupied.

We should be forgiven for breaking hearts and grieving minds. But instead, we must hide the holes in the fabric of our being, and ignore our shattered souls.

I went to a funeral recently.

I was sad.

But the assumption is, once you've been there, done that - then you're done being sad.

back into the normal workflow you go.

go on.


i've been a bit of a sappy git lately.

there's a lot of reading being done so it follows.



I don't want to be an island
I want to see your face again


I mean it when I say the river is my favourite place. I still can't work out why, but I have an immediate approval for anyone who has a mutual enjoyment of thames water.


Charges the air. Over great distances or small. it can heighten anything.

Hands not touching
eyes meeting
walking side by side
a glance
the returned smile
shared space

Long lists. they crackle. like the moment before a storm.


Fire is always something that is seen as so aggressive. so angry. so pent up.

I think it's the opposite.

It's sad. It's fleeting. It causes so much pain just to survive. It burns out.


hey can you just call up greggs and see if they have any sausage rolls left?

Long gone are my days of heading out for a 7 mile trot. or even 20. I used to pack a bag and just run. over the hills. through the mud. around in circles. I didn't care. 

Now. it's a bit more of a struggle. a bit less fun. 

if years ago I could have looked into the future I would be surprised to see how I have turned out. 

so basically. we're weeks away from the biggest game of our lives. 125 miles to paddle. 77 portages to run. many many many bites of food to snack on.

but, I think my body is starting to say no again. I can't match my energy depletion against the workload i'm doing or the food i'm eating and that's how it started last time.

I know i'm racing to get to the start line, because once I'm there I will finish. But I just have to get there first.



also this morning was so windy! I feel like this is the meanest, steepest learning curve. but that doesn't stop it being fun.