| 2018 | 11 | 01 | how to be okay |

sometimes i write posts today, to publish in the future. This is one of those.

The mind is a funny thing. The internal monologue that drives you forward can be both your  best friend and your utmost enemy. And you are stuck with them. You. You are stuck with you.

You can't switch you off.

You can only alter the course of the conversation inside and learn to accept it for what it is.

I used to be unable to let the little things go. They would run circles round my mind, a constant reminder of the failure I felt I had become. Repeating the same phrases, moments and thoughts, becoming a constant distraction from the present moment.

I remember, one evening I was so fed up with it I turned to the mirror and I yelled.

Just picture that scene, a teary eyed emotional human with bedraggled hair and penguin pyjamas - yelling at her own reflection.

'shut up! shut up! shut. up.'

But. The next day. I woke up to a sort of quiet. Not quite a silence but the voice in my head was taking a back seat to the part of me that wanted to wear my dungarees.

And I liked it.

No more would it be a one way dialogue. I've learnt to become my own best friend and whilst I'm not always sure I agree with the decisions I end up making, I stick with them to the end.

I'm driven by the understanding that somehow, 26 years of life have passed and I am still here. I am still functioning. I have everything I need and from the outside I might even look like a fully functioning adult.