| 2018 | 01 | 08 | thoughts and stuff |

I would rather be alone forever than change for someone else. 

This is probably why I'm destined down a path of cats and a half empty bed, but in actual fact I'm totally okay with that. There's a big difference between compromise, and simply doing things for other people. 

In the past I tried, I fought for people who I thought were right, but in the end it just lead to unhappiness and arguments. 

I've dabbled with dating apps, but to be honest, I'm just not that interested in seeing someone else just yet. Fine. My ex can win that race but it's one I don't really feel the need to participate in. There are no winners in breakups, just messy losers and cake. 

Being alone is not lonely unless you make it so. 

Until the day I meet my best friend who compliments my life, not changes it, I'll continue to focus inwardly on myself, my career, my friends and my continual pursuit of penguins in south africa. 

- - -


Thrown a lot of things away this week. Most of it was done at 4am thursday, when I was trapped in a vicious cycle of being completely and utterly unable to sleep. I'd gone to bed early, comfortably wrapped around my four pillows, only to be woken at 2 am by my buzzing phone and a feeling of dread.

I'd tried everything - think watching a random film, doing some stretches, going outside for fresh air... you get the picture. Nothing would bring back my unconscious state. 

Sighing, I started to check my emails and bank account - nothing is worse than paperwork - but aside from being particularly organised I was now less close to my previous state than before. 

My hour long drive through the countryside did nothing than remind me that I needed to update my spotify playlists as they were getting horrifically repetitive. 

Oh well. 

To tidying. 

They may have been small. But some things should go. 

I said three things this week for the last time. 

i miss you. i'm sorry. good bye. 

I counted them off on my fingers. 

Then I shrugged. I'm not worried. 

poetic justice. I apologise. I'm still destined for the stage. Or maybe just a cardboard box. 

- - -

An open letter to all those 


The end.

- - - 

I have this pair of shoes.... oh come on did I really write an entire blog post dedicated to a pair of black trainers last month? did you read it? yeah?

Well sucks to be you.

things i'm loving:
the sass. the more finger clicks i see the better
jane the virgin - that's not just a random friend in my life it's a show okay?
the fact i look like I had a fight with a highlighter and lost. tragically. 
the space between my bed and the wall. I've been there a lot lately. 
bouncy floors.
my strawberry plants are growing like the strong independent children they deserve to be. they'd better not disappoint.