Wednesday

| 2018 | 01 | 31 | january empties |

I completed 4 months of this in 2017 and totaled over £600 worth of products. What.

Seriously. 

I haven't bought anything new yet though so that's progress I guess. 

I'm still working through all the half bottles stored in my dads attic and he seems to be a lot happier. In fact, so am I. It's a lot less baggage. 


Garnier | Pure Active Micellar Water Oily Skin | 400ml [£4.99, Boots]
Emma Hardie | Age Support Radiance Face Mask | 75ml [£36, Spack NK]
Bourjois | 123 Perfect Colour Correcting | [£9.99, Boots]
Indeed Labs | Hydraluron Moisture Booster Face Serum | 30ml [£24.99, Boots]
DECIEM | Booster Low Molecular HA | [£18,.00, Deciem]
Bleach London | Reincarnation Mask | 200ml [£6.49, Superdrug]
Natures Ingredients | Coconut Shower Gel | 250ml [£2.00, Marks and Spencer]
The Body Shop | Hemp Hand Protector | 30ml [£5.00, The Body Shop]
Nuxe | Reve de Miel Nourishing Lip Balm | 15g [£10.00, Marks and Spencer]
Wideye | Rehab Day Hand Cream | 50ml [£4.95, Wideye]
Superdrug | Cocoa and Vanilla Body Scrub | 200ml [£4.99, Superdrug]
Paul Mitchell | Dry Wash | 50ml [£10.75, Look Fantastic]
Badedas | Shower Gel 200ml | [£2.29, Superdrug]
H&M | Perfume Roll on - Intuition | [£6.99, H&M]
H&M | Perfume Roll on - Revelation | [£6.99, H&M]
Balance Me | Lip Balm | [£5, Boots]
Head & Shoulders | Classic Clean Shampoo | 1000ml [£7.00, Amazon]
Acuvue |1 Day Astigmatism | 1 month supply [£43.00, Boots]

£209.42

Well.

£857.67

| 2018 | 01 | 31 | i can't actually see |

I feel like I have to come clean about this dirty secret. I'm essentially incapable of seeing.

Since the age of three I have worn glasses, and I guess, become entirely dependent on them. I'm not  blind, but I am lazy. To see, I have to squint and really focus. This is headache inducing and quite frustrating, so often I don't.
Unfortunately, allowing myself to remain blind means I have to learn things by rote.

I know my drinks and food order in most restaurants and cafes by heart. I can recognise sandwiches and other drinks by their packaging and colours, rather than actually reading the labels. 

Rooms in uni are learnt by following classmates - this has lead to attending a spanish lecture and joining a small seminar about music. 

Crossing roads? I have to wait for the green man - in a blurry world he's always reliably there. It's hard to judge things when you can't see.

Don't get offended if I can't remember having certain conversations with you. I have to recognise people by their clothing and hair - with boys this can be a nightmare given their tendency to sport the same hairstyles and shoes. My memory gets hazy past 8pm. Soz. Apparently that isn't a popular reaction.

When people organise meeting in public places, they must tell me exact location via large landmarks. 'near the back' doesn't cut it. I will just walk straight past you in a pub and sit with new people.







Tuesday

| 2018 | 01 | 30 | harknado |

we were 20. 

such a long time ago. 

Sometimes you just want to sit back and watch something unchallenging. My two friends Mike and Alec brought to the table Sharknado - described by wikipedia as a 'made for television disaster movie about a waterspout that lifts sharks out of the ocean'. I'm sorry.

one of the characters. he made a huge impression 

they sure couldn't wait!

Closing remarks (to begin.)

Mike 'pioneering film genre, I can just sit back and watch this. Ferretquake would be a top sequel'

Alec 'Roller coaster ride of emotion - dangerous director for a radical film'

Myself 'Sharks will come back in fashion, this felt like an american economy metaphor. '

during film top points.
As always, I took notes during the film.
My general reaction was 'WHAT IS GOING ON I DON'T EVEN'
...

'how a shark got in a house when the car outside is dry?'
'where did they all come from?'
struggling with the general theme
Top quote 'looks like its that time of the month' - when a shark lies dead in the water.
'why are the sharks so angry?'
'How are they so accurate?'

'How are they driving through a shark infested water?'

'How did one singular school bus get stranded?'

The Hollywood bit. Oh god.

'His climbing gear - who carries that around in a tornado? the water levels constantly change'
'A CLIMBING SHARK'

'My mum always told me hollywood would kill me'
Car exploding. IT JUST WOULDN'T

This film just got strange. 

Helicopter in storms, drop bombs in to 'equalise the storm' moral choices.
Angsty daughter needs the attention so we have dialogue. 

Novas shark story. Raised by grandparents, fishing trip, went wrong, sharks swarmed and killed everyone. 2 days floating = she really hates sharks.

Flying into storm - not windy

General concept

They exploded a tornado.

How is it breathing, can tornadoes form that close together. was it possible?

Overall this film left us perplexed and stressed. 

to conclude.
It was horrifically thrilling and unrealistic. I don't know if I will watch it again, but it definitely provided a story to tell friends.

If you are short on exciting stories maybe you could pretend this happened to you?

If you are short on friends it won't fill that gap.

faces  to conclude - i was sitting on the floor.

Sunday

| 2018 | 01 | 28 | postit |

Not only is this a favourite song., we've amazingly been getting quite a lot of it recently. 

In the sky. 








Saturday

| 2018 | 01 | 27 | more |

When I was training for my ultra marathon, I ran with a man who was very into the one percent. 

It's the idea that everyone, every single person has that last something to give.

Think back to something that you found really difficult (it doesn't have to be sports related). At the time, it seemed impossible... but you're still here aren't you?

No matter how depleted you are, you can always find something more, and sometimes because it's so small it makes the greatest of differences.


We were running and I started to slow down, my legs were tiring and everything was a touch achey.
He placed his hand firmly on my back and said 'no'.

When you can't run you crawl, and when you can't crawl you get up and you run again.

It's the idea that everyone is stronger than they realise.

And sometimes big decisions are the toughest thing you've got to get through. 

Friday

| 2018 | 01 | 26 | work was slow |

Egg-cellent.


It makes me sad you can only use egg puns at Easter. 

I've got a few which might make you CRACK up.

Only yolking.

I'm not egg-sactly amusing.

I might whisk it though.

And attempt to continue to throw down some egg-ceptional jokes.

You'd best not start eggnoring me if I run out. 

I'm really scrambling my brain here. 

Okay I'm out. That was egg-hausting.

Though this is really helping me come out of my shell.

But this is the eggsact reason I shouldn't be allowed out.

My brain is too fried to continue.

Don't poach these puns though.

I would be egg-stremely upset

I'd go as far as to say, I'm a comedihen

Feel free to eggpress your appreciation anytime.

We should hatch a plan.

Thursday

| 2018 | 01 | 25 | training camp. 2017 |

my paddle skimmed lazily across the surface of the water, sending droplets up into the air - my own personal rainbow.

I sighed, an exhale of breath rather than a sign of discontent, and reached sideways for the landing pontoon, counteracting the lean of my boat. I stepped out without second thought and located my flip flops, strewn alongside a multitude of others.

The sun was hot, and on my back. Turning to face it, I searched for the other group across the water, my sunglasses doing little to help with the glare. Shrugging - for they were nowhere to be seen - I did what anyone else would do and flopped to the ground, catching my paddles as they threatened to roll into the water.

Minutes passed.

My breathing had slowed right down from the session and I was quietly humming to myself, absentmindedly picking at the racing stripes that had loyally stayed with Eddie, my old, but well loved K1.

Sitting with my feet resting gently on my seat, I realised for the first time that I had nowhere urgent to be.

It was okay to just be.

In that moment. In the present.

I was happy.

I was a whole person.

Not just parts of everyone else that kept me together.

I was smiling to myself as the rest of the group returned, their faces sun kissed and excited.









Monday

| 2018 | 01 | 22 | #25dates 1. the one I should've walked away from |

I'm writing my #25dates series to try and remind myself that I've had some really great experiences with people and it actually can be fun.

I think first dates always carry with them the hope of a new beginning, the potential for something new. I just wish I'd left it there.

- - -

It was early June, around 20 degrees and I'd just finished my yoga class. I was slightly fearful that my carefully tied up hair and lightly made up face had long since slipped and that he'd see me not as a hot mess, but simply as a hot mess. 

I sighed, packing up my mat and trying to check my reflection in my phone all the while my yoga instructor touted positive assertions for the evening. I barely registered her chirpy goodbye and well wishing, murmuring what I deemed to be an appropriate response. Their faces informed me I may have misjudged things. Nothing new here. They think I'm weird anyway. 

I walked slowly from the building, heading over to the boat racks without wanting to look too keen. 

I was too keen. Damn it. I was early. 

I did another loop back to my car, dropping off my spare kit and changing my shoes. The low summer sun tickled my back and I smiled at the pre-date jitters. 

I wasn't nervous really though. I was slightly excited. 

The other group got off the river and walked up the muddy path to put their equipment away - he spotted me in the distance and waved. 

Ah. So much for keeping this low key. Twenty pairs of eyes were on us as he trotted over, a huge grin on his face. 

It was infectious, and soon the conversation was flowing, despite the chuckles and giggles from those around. I grabbed my stable K1 and we made our way down to the water. 

I can't really describe my love of the river in summer. You can't have a bad day out there. As we pushed off the pontoon I felt a calm wash over me and I'd borderline forgotten that I was meant to be making a good impression. 

We did a long version of the time trial course, putting our paddles down every other stroke to chat. I was being my usual bolshy self, and could see he wasn't quite sure what to make of it.

We were laughing, and generally getting along. 

All too soon the paddle had come to an end and we agreed it was time to get off the water. Walking back up to the racks he offered for me to come to dinner (which I declined) and left me with the words. 

'We should definitely hang out more.'

I smiled the whole way home.

Saturday

| 2018 | 01 | 20 | monday | henley regatta |

Have you ever been to Henley?


The regatta I mean?

I think you should. I'll take you. It's a one of a kind event.

Everyone there knows how ridiculous it is. The pomp. The over the top dress code and over exaggerated accents. The excuse to dress and play nice for a day. It's just. Nice.

It's a huge deal in the rowing world - where international giants clash in a weird knock out event where really, there are only losers. There's no '6th' just 'which day did you make it to?'

Crews are spoken of in terms of their seeding (you can pretty much guess the outcomes until Saturday) but that doesn't stop the tension.

the atmosphere is incredible. 

- - -

If you've never competed at this event, there isn't one like it. Every crew has a send off, complete with claps, obligatory photographs outside the boat tents and the quiet moment before push off.

You're standing where people have stood for hundreds of years, going through the same motions to compete for the prestigious silverware, inscribed with the names of long forgotten champions. Dominated by the wealthy, underdog crews get a taste of it on the Wednesday, but beyond that you'll only hear the names of the top schoolboys floating around.

Weights are published in the programme, to which you'll hear tuts or delight at the 'six man' being massive or the cox being a little stodgy.

If you're lucky, you can watch the racing from inside the stewards enclosure. Where the primary aim is to drink as much of the watered down pimms on tap as possible. The grandstands are only filled for the big races, or just if there's a real challenge going down.

Each day is different too.

Wednesday is where the big boys squash the new kids. There are rarely close races, just a three length lead and a cruise. The boat tents are exciting, full of boats, blades, people and kit. It's so cool. That bit is my favourite of the enclosures. You watch the nerves set in, the mind games come into play.

Thursday. Still dominated by seeded crews, they'll be calmer and a bit more conservative. It's a little harder today.

Friday. This is where you'll see bigger pushes and stronger challenges. Crews want to make it to the weekend, so they'll go for it. All or nothing.

Saturday is my favourite day. The race pre final, there's an air or of do it or die. There are tears, there's calls at the enclosure. There's showing off. There's also a lack of certainty. Saturday is the day where anything can happen.

Sunday

They made it. Two crews from each event. Racing is spread out and intense. 5 races in 5 days tests fitness and tolerance. The knock out nature makes this race the most painful of them all. No one remembers the ones that came second. The boat tent is quiet, everyone else has packed up. Everyone else has gone.

And then. It is done.

The quiet after it all.

Me and dad used to go for a long walk to Henley the weekend after, where everyone is hard at work pulling the structures down. It's all for this one week. 

Even if you're not a rower. Even if you think it's silly. It's still something to go and see.

Back to why I actually went on a Wednesday. I haven't for years.

My dads club had a prequalified crew (the first in 20 years) and that's quite a big deal.



There was pride.  They're essentially a composite crew, with barely any experience between them (most started rowing at university) so the majority of their competing races have been run by my dad. 


The pep these boys were a bag of nerves. They're just so new to it. 


When you look at the size difference here, the race outcome is even more apparent. 

There's not a lot you can do against men who are career rowers and have just under 2 stone on you. Big boys. 


But they went out there, and represented in the only way they could. They did their best. They had a good race. And they broke the 20 year streak. They proved to themselves that a crew could go to Henley from those kind of beginnings. It won't be long I'm sure, until there is another. 


6 miles of walking later I was ready to take off my shoes. 

It's all fun and games until you have to go home.. 


I also. Kind of did the tourist thing. 

Because.

I'm ashamed of myself. 



I'm not done yet. I'm going on Saturday too. It should be quite nice. 

Thursday

| 2018 | 01 | 18 | a day in the life |

0702:: I completely overslept my alarm. As in, by just over an hour - so the run was out of the window.

I'm trying quite hard to reduce my sugar intake so my coffee was less fun that usual...

I'm using up a tin of instant coffee before moving permanently over to my drip coffee maker and caramel toned coffee grounds.

Wow I sound fun. 

Had to move all the plants from my room into a sunnier one too. They're all in 'hospital' as I've dubbed it and this is their treatment. 

0810:: I meditated today. It's a monday, I need to focus. I also have yoga later so have to at least try to practice being 'present'. Go me for not achieving that.

0824:: Breakfast is another use-up - we have so much cereal in our cupboard so I'm on a one woman mission to mix it all up and get rid of it. But I'm also anaemic so trying to get as much iron in as possible. chia chia chia. and cacoa nibs. If you haven't discovered the delight that is these little chocolately bitter chunks then get shopping. 


0840:: actually getting dressed. this was intentionally late. I'm trying to give my skin a break during the week and moisturise more, cover-up less but it's a bad habit I'm not very good at breaking. so the answer? run out of time!

0904:: walked through the doors of work and headed straight for the coffee. was joined by another caffeine fuelled colleague and we contemplated going back to bed. sorry. not really an option. 

1000:: coffee down and I'm starting to eye up the next. This is not a good start to the day. 

12.24:: lunch. I walk home at a fairly brisk pace (reflective of the hunger level) and jump in the fridge. Look at that for imagery. 

I use my lunch breaks to do admin tasks I've neglected. I'm still not very good at them. 

Flights cancelled. 

1324:: back in school to crack on with more social media. work. 

1700:: I leave promptly, ready to run home and get changed to get to yoga on time. It's my favourite time of the week. 

1800:: bliss for an hour. no worrying, no stress, just stretches. 

1900:: head home for dinner. leftovers. I'll be writing about my take on consuming meat at somepoint. but just for reference I only purchase vegan foods. 

2000:: I have so many projects and writing tasks to complete that I really need to concentrate on them rather than simply add to the to do list. 

2100:: my evening routine has changed this week. I'm on a digital detox and have muted my phone. 

2200:: I am in bed. Here. Writing this final sentence before lights out. What a success.

Wednesday

| 2018 | 01 | 17 | monday feels |

things i said once and will say again



'rock bottom is where heroes are made' - my nan when I dropped smarties everywhere. 

my ultramarathon prep is good. I ran last week and just ate a banana. 

i just panicked, threw a glass at the biggest spider i've ever seen and now i'm hiding downstairs. 

there's a reason i'm not very good at running. *points at jeans which have been turned up 5 times*

after seeing an ad about how baby wipes were 'perfect for clumsy children' my dad has now added some to the shopping list

wanna hear something fun? not talking to me. that's fun

i'm no hero - when I run my soul leaves my body, much like everyone else's

jerry ripping the aux cable out of my speakers and throwing it out of the window is a surefire way to gauge he's not impressed

siri has bad attitude. make me a coffee is a perfectly good request. 

today would be the best day for a donation of 5 million. I accept most currencies, and smarties. 5 million smarties.

amusement level - on par with that time I ran into a glass door. 

Monday

| 2018 | 01 | 15 | squad |


This is squad .

Promise I'm happier than that in real life. 

Today is just a series of photos from the past because to be quite honest with you I'm doing nothing of interest today. 

I realised I get a lot of joy from the mundane. 

The moments that pass a lot of people by actually inspire me and incite some level of joy. Happiness in little things grows to happiness in all things. 

like a man crossing the road super slow today because he could. 
The lady carrying her dog which was trying to escape over her shoulder (she was none the wiser as she was on her phone)

 - - -



Caught in the act of this. 




still my favourite ever shoes in existence. 

Sunday

| 2018 | 01 | 14 | serendipity |

to play with words.

A poor mans wit and a wise mans weapon.
Fork handles.
Present since the beginning of language, word play has been the cornerstone of many literary works. It’s a wonderful skill to possess. I like that in a person. Make funny with your words. But don’t throw sarcasm in there.
Please.
Sarcasm is not clever, nor is it funny. It’s just people who like to be difficult. I don’t like difficult people.
You’re probably difficult.
And habitually sarcastic.



But then again, as am I. 




.....


this guy is my hero.
this photo is from 2013. in case you're worried for the fish. 



We were all quite busy in the garden. Things to do people.

Friday

| 2018 | 01 | 12 | story time |

I’m going to tell you a story. It happened around 4 years ago now. but it's still one of the classics. 

It’s the day my neighbours saw me half naked, standing on a roof, crying.

The backstory.

It was winter. It was raining. My dad was away for the weekend and I’d just broken up with my boyfriend of the time. I’d just returned home from a particularly cold and upsetting run. My kit was soaked through so I stripped down to just a sports bra and my shorties once inside.

Shivering, I’d run upstairs to jump in the shower, and put my phone on top of my drawers, grabbing a towel.
Turning the shower on, I locked the door (I will forever ask myself why) and went to get in the warm. I heard a clink.
My heart skipped a beat.

Surely not.

Turning back to look at the door, the locking mechanism had just fallen out, leaving me trapped inside.
Calmly, I tried to turn the handle, tried to reach in and move the latch, I tried everything before I went into full panic mode.

Just imagine me kicking the door, yelling, banging, EVERYTHING. I genuinely thought I was going to die. I’d told my friends post breakup that I wouldn’t really be replying to messages, and obviously my ex wasn’t going to come chasing up an absence. My dad wasn’t back til Tuesday, and trust him to have solid wood doors.
Then the contents of the cupboards came out. Everywhere. Lids were snapped in an effort to create a tool to get the lock open.
I bruised my knuckles punching the wood. I hurt my feet kicking at the door too.
Then I remembered the window.

By this point, I should mention that my bra had been discarded (ready to shower) and I couldn’t get it back on (was still frozen). Sighing, I did what a normal person would do and  went to climb out the window. Except I lost my grip and landed badly on my hand, pulling something in my wrist. 
Using my now injured arm to cover my modesty, I stood on the roof, fully aware that any neighbours would have a sight to behold. And then.
Then I stood on a piece of metal and enough was enough. I was a crying, bleeding wreck, with very little dignity. See. I hadn’t really thought through this bit. I had to negotiate climbing off the roof without flashing everyone.
And it was bin day, so the bins were nowhere nearby.

I was stuck on the roof, cold, crying, bleeding and half naked. Brilliant. 





Not only was I now in the garden, I still had to get back in the house.

I’m very adept at getting in via the back door, if have access to the shed. Which I did not.

So, the window had to go.

Okay so once I was inside, warm and dry things seemed a bit better. And my new foot injury meant I wouldn’t have to run for a bit. Win.

My favourite comment from my dad ‘well you had water and towels. You’d have been comfortable’



Tl;dr. My dad now keeps a spare key nearby for such emergencies. 

Thursday

| 2018 | 01 | 11 | pictures |


At present, the small house up a hill is home.





Tuesday

| 2018 | 01 | 09 | just a quickie |



That day was one I am incredibly proud of and whenever times get frustratingly slow I can look back and remember when I surpassed expectations... and had ridiculously blonde hair. The race those four girls accomplished was so brave, and feels like a complete lifetime ago. 

Monday

| 2018 | 01 | 08 | thoughts and stuff |

I would rather be alone forever than change for someone else. 

This is probably why I'm destined down a path of cats and a half empty bed, but in actual fact I'm totally okay with that. There's a big difference between compromise, and simply doing things for other people. 

In the past I tried, I fought for people who I thought were right, but in the end it just lead to unhappiness and arguments. 

I've dabbled with dating apps, but to be honest, I'm just not that interested in seeing someone else just yet. Fine. My ex can win that race but it's one I don't really feel the need to participate in. There are no winners in breakups, just messy losers and cake. 

Being alone is not lonely unless you make it so. 

Until the day I meet my best friend who compliments my life, not changes it, I'll continue to focus inwardly on myself, my career, my friends and my continual pursuit of penguins in south africa. 

- - -

I've.

Thrown a lot of things away this week. Most of it was done at 4am thursday, when I was trapped in a vicious cycle of being completely and utterly unable to sleep. I'd gone to bed early, comfortably wrapped around my four pillows, only to be woken at 2 am by my buzzing phone and a feeling of dread.

I'd tried everything - think watching a random film, doing some stretches, going outside for fresh air... you get the picture. Nothing would bring back my unconscious state. 

Sighing, I started to check my emails and bank account - nothing is worse than paperwork - but aside from being particularly organised I was now less close to my previous state than before. 

My hour long drive through the countryside did nothing than remind me that I needed to update my spotify playlists as they were getting horrifically repetitive. 

Oh well. 

To tidying. 

They may have been small. But some things should go. 

I said three things this week for the last time. 

i miss you. i'm sorry. good bye. 

I counted them off on my fingers. 

Then I shrugged. I'm not worried. 

poetic justice. I apologise. I'm still destined for the stage. Or maybe just a cardboard box. 

- - -

An open letter to all those 

Sorry. 

The end.

- - - 

I have this pair of shoes.... oh come on did I really write an entire blog post dedicated to a pair of black trainers last month? did you read it? yeah?

Well sucks to be you.

things i'm loving:
the sass. the more finger clicks i see the better
jane the virgin - that's not just a random friend in my life it's a show okay?
the fact i look like I had a fight with a highlighter and lost. tragically. 
the space between my bed and the wall. I've been there a lot lately. 
bouncy floors.
my strawberry plants are growing like the strong independent children they deserve to be. they'd better not disappoint. 

Thursday

| 2018 | 01 | 04 | time |

How long it takes for apiece of gum to lose its flavour

a YouTube ad

Time needed to microwave my tea

The number of songs it takes to walk to work

Phone battery percentage

The number of drinks before you feel chatty

Pages left in a book.

Watching small plants grow

Time spent getting to know someone

Time since you last heard that song

How long it takes to get your shoes on

the last text he sent

How long it takes to forget someone

What you were doing on this day a year ago.


Wednesday

| 2018 | 01 | 03 | misc. morning |

Woke up at the break of day when the sun was still asleep.

I had a coffee and watched the light start to stroke the clouds before I went for a careful run to the river.

Was late for breakfast, ate a bagel and pondered.
I’m still not sure I like bananas.

Sat with my legs draped on the wrong side of a chair.

Lost my keys.
Found them again. Things turn up when you need them. No use stressing over it.

Reminisced the weekend. Smiled to self and was asked why.


Can’t say.

- - -

I love telling stories, but sometimes I have a lot of trouble getting people to believe me. 

I honestly live a cartoon life. 

I'm sorry. 

Are you allowed to yell at sloths?

Everything is either amazing or absolutely the worst thing ever. I am never lukewarm. 

I'll either stay up for three days straight, or go to bed at 7pm. 


2017 - the big year of whatever. 2018. The year of what.ever.

I went into 2017 thinking it was going to be a big turning point which was my first mistake. The pressure was on, and everything performed subpar. 

I consider a lukewarm year worse than a bad one. How do you recover from 'just'. I know how to move from one extreme to the other and bounce back again. It's how I exist. I don't know how to slide from a nothing into a something.

That's why 2018 is just going to be just one long shrug. No worries. Hakuna Matata. no trouble. Just. a year of being.




Tuesday

| 2018 | 01 | 02 | what if |

What if all I was is a slow, simple and quiet life? What if I am actually most happy in the space of in between. Where the calm lives, where I can potter along doing the things that make me happy.

The world is such a busy place. Everyone is always telling me to dream bigger, aim higher, to improve, strive, yearn, compete and grasp. For bigger and better. Sacrifice precious moments like sleep for productivity. Make my life 'count'. Go big or go home. Everyone is always straight up just telling me what to do. 

But what if I'm at my happiest walking quietly along, spending my time outdoors? I don't want to waste it, but I'm happy spending my time the way I want to.

What if I just offer the world what I can and stop fighting with everyone to have the biggest house, the biggest salary or the fastest car? I just want a house. I just want to earn enough to live comfortably and not worry and I really shouldn't have a fast car at all.

I've accepted I'm fairly average. My body is neither big or small, my legs are too short and my arms too long. I'm in between. My hair will never look perfect, nor will my face - courtesy of the genetics that built me. But that's no bother. Because everything does what I need it to.

I have my hobbies, I have my interests, I have my friends and I have something that keeps me fit. And to each, I commit everything I can. I have no more to give but that.

I'm not cut out to be ruthless. To cut others down and put myself first. I'm happy to let others crack on, do their thing but I don't have to make that my thing and I won't get in their way.

I have accepted that I'm nothing special. I'm made to plod along and have my own adventures. I only want to be happy, and have the things around me that achieve that.

So please stop telling me to chase a salary, a career or some other arbitrary measure of success. Please stop telling me that I'm wasting my time with things or asking if it will be worth it in the end. Because yes.

It probably won't be.

But that's alright.





Monday

| 2018 | 01 | 01 | who |


who are you?

sophie

no. that is just a noise people make to refer to you. you are not your name.

who are you?

I'm from marlow. I have a brother and sister. 

no. these are the things that happen to your body.

who are you?

---

sorry to anyone who knows where that was bastardised from. 

But when you start to look at it from that perspective, the you that is you is not what has happened to you - it is the character inside, then it becomes clear we have a long way to go. 

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Hi.

called sophie, am marlow and is girl.

when I think of who i am as a human being in this world, when i contemplate my place and my purpose, and when i define my own identity - never do I begin with that. 
These things do not dictate my love for the outdoors or my passion to write. Being a girl is not the reason I followed this path, nor is the fact my name has two syllables rather than three.

So why do these things matter?

Why do they define so much?


Why does society force us to categorise ourselves based on our physical self, and any other sub-classifications get grouped under 'queer'.  

We are constantly asked our age, our gender, our height, our weight, our birth date - all these markers are used to somehow predict our behaviour and decision making. 


By labelling with our born identity we are grouped with people we may not share anything with. 

I can guarantee you that my ideas, thoughts and opinions are not identical to anyone from round here. 


I'm tired of being told to represent my femininity. 

I am not girl. I am me. I am a 'you'. 

I'm weird.