Saturday, 13 January 2018

| journal | 2018 | 01 | 13 | an old post |

to those we lost. this could be everyone

Don't worry if I yell at you. Or if i continue the fight.

Don't worry when I throw tantrums or send you long messages explaining my mood. Don't worry when you can see the emotion in my eyes or the flush of my cheeks.

They're displays that I care. That I haven't let go.

- - -

notice when I don't laugh.

notice when you say something and I don't reply.

I'm not being rude. I just.

I'm sad in a way.

.

Worry when my messages are one word answers, when I no longer answer back to your insults or when I stop crying.

When I stop reacting. When it becomes acceptance. you asked me to go. you didn't want me anymore. so I'm gone.

It means, you lost me.

When I stop telling you the funny details of my day. Or my exciting new ideas and pursuits. Sometimes I can't help it - the words just come pouring out because I'm so elated, but. It's not the same.

- -

My silence is more. My silence means I've bitten my tongue. My silences mean my thoughts are forever my own.

I love words.

You know that.

that's why i write. That's why i have a pen in my bag at all times. I can feel them. I pick them with care.

So. to be silent. To hold back. I leave words unsaid, to ignore feelings and neglect resolution... that's the beginning of our end.

- - -

do you remember how we used to argue? The passion? The emotion?

And now. the emptiness. the nothingness.

I think that's worse.

It means we've gone.

You can lose someone even when they're next to you.

- - -

I want to tell you things. I want to talk to you about everything. I want to message you right now with every little detail of my morning. But I shan't.

It's not that I don't want to. It's that you stopped caring too.

- - --

i just miss you is all.