sophie didn't do anything at all.

Monday, 21 August 2017

Yesterday I paddled 17 miles. 

It was really tough.

Made more difficult by the fact there was a festival in Henley, along the roughest stretch, with too many motorboats out and about. 

I could barely move forwards, thrown in all directions by wash bouncing around. 

The experienced paddler chasing me down gave me room (though I don't know if that was out of choice as that patch really was unpaddle-able) and only came to check if I was okay once we were through the worst of it. I really appreciated that.

Stability in a kayak is a really strange thing. A lot of it is mental, and practice, but there's an element of skill involved too - so when you're essentially paddling in the sea, it's counter intuitive for someone to try and talk you through it. 

Fighting those waves however took more out of me than I realised, and the tension in my shoulders was then present for the rest of the 8 miles. 


The fact I managed to avoid swimming is incredible. 

- - -

I'm kind of impressed that with no alteration to routine I managed to cover that distance at a fairly acceptable pace. 

You know when you read something amazing and you wish you could go back to when you hadn't so you could experience it again?


Monday, 14 August 2017


today is a monday. it's an opportunity to shake off the mistakes of the previous seven days and start over.

love a start over.

i used to get anxious when things were going too well. I am scared of good things because there's always something bad coming my way . I also don't enjoy having a better time than others. I find that hard.

However, today, as we sat eating lunch on a bench overlooking the valley, I was genuinely content. I'd left my phone god knows where and was just absorbing some pigeon yelling at its friends. My gifted sandwich fell apart and left a tomato stain on my jeans - joining the sharpie lines and a smudge of tippex. I'm a mess. We laughed.

I have no make up on, besides my eye-brows and the small amount of bb cream concealing last weeks outbreak of blemishes - and that's okay. Blemishes are actually part of life, and I'm on a long term mission to be devoid of foundation. It's not going well. Oh and I haven't properly brushed my hair since friday. It does what it likes. Independent.

Over the course of an hour, six people walked past. We all shared a brief exchange - these people have been joining me on my lunch break for just over two years .. we're all locked into our routines and it was funny to have a new witness.

I'm going to miss this.



My dissertation...

'How is Snapchat an agent of the attention economy of new media?'

...brought to life some uncomfortable truths surrounding how apps are designed to dictate our usage behaviour. I kind of glossed over them at the time, focusing more on sexting (as my pornography paper had  been banned by the ethics committee and I was mad).

However this article is why I'm going to be quitting my job soon.

I can't do it anymore.

Phone addiction is pivoted as the fault of the individual, rather than the apps we use.

It's recommended that unless you're talking to a person, you should reduce the notifications you're exposed to (insta, facebook etc). 

- - -

the above photo makes me so happy. 

because even in the middle of the session from hell, I still look like I'm enjoying myself. And what would be the point if i wasn't?

this weekend was tough from a training point of view and today my everything aches.

not sorry.

yeah... i think i was being told off too


Saturday, 12 August 2017

Where were you this time last year?

I was packing for Cornwall.

So technically in relationship 1 of 3

[we got together 9th July, broke up 10th December. 🦌. Back together 16th December and broke up 2nd Feb again 🦆. Back together 26th February. Broke up 2nd June 🐒]. Just fyi

Anyway. The weather was hugely different last year. Do you remember what the sun felt like?

I was also paddling a puma.


Today I was paddling my sonic and not packing for Cornwall, but for somewhere else entirely. I also went for a delightful walk around the woods today. We almost got lost.


Friday, 11 August 2017

| 2017 | august | friday | 11

Yes. I spend my life trawling the internet for songs so you don't have to.

- - -

Next week I'm going away for a decidedly short but sweet trip to somewhere a bit warmer.

I'm so excited.

I need the break. I need to get some positive energy back in my life and get out of my house for a few days.

- - -

to all the things i've lost on you
tell me are they lost on you.

- - -

I'm still deep in the throes of my minimalism journey. I cannot quite believe that everything I own is in my bedroom. It seems like so little, but yet, it's more than I want.

I need to be road trip ready. 

It is amazing how four month ago I thought things were going to be very different. I had a different life planned. But I've had to close that door. We aren't going there anymore. 

- - -

You know when you make plans with someone, and they always leave their options open in case something better comes along?

That's kinda not cool.

It happens a lot, I've watched people do it to others regularly. 

- - -


Thursday, 10 August 2017

| 2017 | august | thursday | 10

i am not a hateful person. rarely do i express dislike towards someone, but sometimes you can only laugh at the irony.


things i would rather be doing right now:
- writing an essay, with the correct citations, about prime numbers
- eating an orange after brushing my teeth
- doing my taxes
- doing someone elses
- just going and sitting in traffic. anywhere. for an unnecessary amount of time
- be mansplained to. over and over.
- getting my wisdom teeth removed

why breaking up with your best friend is harder than losing your partner. #friendshift

losing a best friend is a lot like closing a door. there are parts of you they'll never see again, the funny little in jokes. the exchanged looks, the long sarcastic pauses. there's a betrayal of trust too. you should have been able to fix the problem, but you didn't. 

you were wrong. 

your whole friendship was a lie. you go over every moment you laughed together, or shared, and try to remember if really there was a falter in their voice, an uncertain chuckle. 

ways you know it was a good thing.

they'll happily bad mouth their friends
if someone will bitch to you about their supposed best friends, then you aren't safe either. remember that.

they're hot and cold
friendship isn't like a tap. you don't get to pick and choose. if someone makes you tread on eggshells then they're no real friend. as much as you crave the highs, it's no way to live. 

they tell you how to live
friends shouldn't dictate your life, merely be a part of it. it is not for them to say how to live, when to breathe or get angry at you for doing what they don't think you should. that's just not nice. it's a two way relationship. 

they replaced you
if someone can just move straight on, much like a relationship, then they need to rethink what they wanted from you too. it's not something you can control, it just shows bad habits. it doesn't mean you're replaceable... as hard as that is to see.

sure. miss them. miss your friend with all your heart but remember that things have changed. 


Wednesday, 9 August 2017

things i stopped. things you should too.

The below is a list of things I've learnt to stop.

1. Forgetting about sophie. I care about myself. I put myself higher up the list than I used too. Well-being is an ambition.

2. I don't take an apology at face value. It's the action afterward I care for.

3. I shan't be a martyr in someone else's fight. I've taken a step away from drama. I'm so much happier.

4. I've removed negativity from my words, but also in the conversations around me.

5. Caring about how someone else sees my life. It's about how I feel.

6. Holding myself back from doing something scary

7. Putting people first who didn't value me

8. I've taken responsibility for my life. It feels great

9. Ensuring I'm liked. I'm more myself now. You can't be 100% everyone's cup of tea.

10. I no longer avoid saying no

11. I've stopped failing to recognise that my time is my greatest gift, and I don't give it to people who don't deserve it

| 2017 | august | 09

So you remember this post last year? 

I didn't have the words to say it 365 days ago, and this year the date almost passed without recognition. And then, slowly it sank in. 

Yesterday, this time last year, my cousin felt he could no longer go on, and decided to end his life. 

I still have no words.

I don't mean to be a debbie downer. I just write what happens when it does.
this is so internet. if you don't get this. i have no hope

Did you ever have one person you used to spam all day with every thought that went through your head? You'd have a bazillion in jokes?


Turns out, it wasn't that it was you. It's just they get used to that habit.

That doesn't make you replaceable though, it's not a problem at your end.

Try not to forget that.

- - - 

things i've lost this year:
a best friend. i miss that
two keys
a pair of socks
my lip balm

things i've gained:
too much to list
i can paddle faster than i ever thought possible
blonder hair
six new tops
a green pair of shoes
a sense of direction

- - -

proximity is very strange.

reading material

- - -

I'm going on holiday next week. It's a bit up in the air at the moment but from *tuesday onwards I will be abroad. I'm really looking forward to the break.

And the weather.

That will be the best.


Tuesday, 8 August 2017

| 2017 | august | 08

Thomas Edison's last words (purportedly) were 'It' is very beautiful over there'. 


I'm all for giving people hope, but I really hate the idea that we're waiting for something even more than what we have. Why can't the now be good enough? Why can't we be satisfied with that which we already are?

I'm happy. 

Do one. 

- - -


Which of the above would you like to be your happily ever after?

Because you're both going to move forward. 

Parallel lines have so much in common, but the sad thing is they  never truly meet. 

Lines that cross have it worse though. They have the moment, before drifting apart forever. 


Actually life is more a squiggle drawn on a leaf, thrown into the wind and let loose. 

- - -

I've lost my hair brush. 

If you find it. please apologise.

It keeps trying to run away.


Monday, 7 August 2017

Play the song. read. 

This weekend was so good. I feel so refreshed and ready to hit this week. 

Not that I have much to hit this week, my to do list is looking decidedly short (no complaints!).

I really enjoyed covering the distance on saturday.. I'm only feeling it in my legs today following my run. So there's that. 

I'm giving myself a month to sort out the above. 

Next long paddle will be in two weeks, a weekend before our local hasler race - I'm so excited!

what i learnt:
I need more fuel. either beforehand or during. I felt very flat at the end - not fitness just a lack of energy. 
my core needs work. the henley stretch was so choppy. I'm normally okay but i was just shaking all over so got out and ran a fair way. I think it's hip flexors too. practice makes perfect.
I need my new paddles
pull bar still needs an adjustment (we steer with our feet)

finally settled on my tattoo idea. no surprises that it's a penguin.... 

in green. 

6 times. 

the tree is growing straight upwards. tilt your head. 
I'll be working on the below skill til I die. and it will probably be the reason I die.

Top adventuring ('splorin).

Love to get lost. 

yes. I can see in the dark thanks for asking. 

- - -

On the subject of the dark. I have a story to tell. 

Last night I was stung by a wasp.

whilst in bed. 

at 1am.

I don't know either. I imagine it got in yesterday when I was changing my bedding and stopped over for a nap. But probably wasn't too happy I'd decided to join him too so made a bit of a show over it. Shame one of us had to die. 

Bed wars is serious business. 

We should go over how painful it is though. Pity the fool who makes poor choices. 

what else?

No that's all I have there. 


Saturday, 5 August 2017

I hurt milo today. 

smashed him into a concrete wall. 

There were 26 miles involved today. 

I did each and every single one. 

I'm so proud. I did it by myself. 

- - -

maybe i'm just used to fire seasons. 

and know all too well how everything disappears when the smoke fades. 

1. i don't recognise the girl i was 2 months ago. 

Friday, 4 August 2017

I used to be one of those people who saw something on sale and bought it in every colour - I'm talking shoes, tops, coats, skirts.... even lipsticks were owned in libraries rather than select choices. I would mindlessly browse the internet and  search for things I didn't need but were 'too good to miss' or just simply available.

My drawers were full, my room a mess and my belongings were spread across the house. I forgot about the things I owned, most still had tags on and rather than sorting through I just ended up with a lot of strategically placed piles.

It was awful.

Moving into a house earlier this year was a bit of an eye opener. I packed up everything I owned before realising I still had more in the attic. The problem had just moved location.

My housemate at the time used to comment on my 'mess' - strewn across the floor. He didn't really interact beyond that but it become somewhat a joke. A joke I didn't really like.

I wanted to tidy myself up a little.

and you know. I have. I own so much less. But less is more so in a way I own more.

Sentimental things now live in my dads attic. Ready for the day I want to see them again.

I would rather be alone forever than change for someone else. 

This is probably why I'm destined down a path of cats and a half empty bed, but in actual fact I'm totally okay with that. There's a big difference between compromise, and simply doing things for other people. 

In the past I tried, I fought for people who I thought were right, but in the end it just lead to unhappiness and arguments. 

I've dabbled with dating apps, but to be honest, I'm just not that interested in seeing someone else just yet. Fine. My ex can win that race but it's one I don't really feel the need to participate in. There are no winners in breakups, just messy losers and cake. 

Being alone is not lonely unless you make it so. 

Until the day I meet my best friend who compliments my life, not changes it, I'll continue to focus inwardly on myself, my career, my friends and my continual pursuit of penguins in south africa. 

- - -


Thrown a lot of things away this week. Most of it was done at 4am thursday, when I was trapped in a vicious cycle of being completely and utterly unable to sleep. I'd gone to bed early, comfortably wrapped around my four pillows, only to be woken at 2 am by my buzzing phone and a feeling of dread.

I'd tried everything - think watching a random film, doing some stretches, going outside for fresh air... you get the picture. Nothing would bring back my unconscious state. 

Sighing, I started to check my emails and bank account - nothing is worse than paperwork - but aside from being particularly organised I was now less close to my previous state than before. 

My hour long drive through the countryside did nothing than remind me that I needed to update my spotify playlists as they were getting horrifically repetitive. 

Oh well. 

To tidying. 

They may have been small. But some things should go. 

I said three things this week for the last time. 

i miss you. i'm sorry. good bye. 

I counted them off on my fingers. 

Then I shrugged. I'm not worried. 

poetic justice. I apologise. I'm still destined for the stage. Or maybe just a cardboard box. 

- - -

An open letter to all those 


The end.

- - - 

I have this pair of shoes.... oh come on did I really write an entire blog post dedicated to a pair of black trainers last month? did you read it? yeah?

Well sucks to be you.

things i'm loving:
the sass. the more finger clicks i see the better
jane the virgin - that's not just a random friend in my life it's a show okay?
the fact i look like I had a fight with a highlighter and lost. tragically. 
the space between my bed and the wall. I've been there a lot lately. 
bouncy floors.
my strawberry plants are growing like the strong independent children they deserve to be. they'd better not disappoint. 

| 2017 | july | 20

my blog came offline today.

my forehead hurts from headbutting connor yesterday.

But my heart hurts with the weight of this.

what did sophie do?

No one will know?

Does that matter?

Should it?!

- - -

I borrowed Alex's paddles today. They were set up completely wrong and it wasn't working for me at all. But it was so nice of her.

I underperformed though.


Thursday, 3 August 2017

sometimes when I'm in a slump, i comfort myself by saying:
if i love potato
them somewhere, they must love me too
and if they love me
then i can love me.

Wednesday, 2 August 2017

| 2017 | august | 02 | wednesday

This is my sigh sheet. 

I was allocated 169 sighs (given my propensity for an exhale in all situations). I'm at the 100 to go mark. 

It's getting tense. 

- - - 

Birthday was good.

I made myself some goals over the coming year

- save £10,000. I know. That's a big ask given my financial management but I'm determined. 
- focus. I need to establish a routine and get back on track 
- - -

I have no voice at the moment following a loud shouty game. It was magical. 

I had my hair dyed even blonder. I'm not sure where I'll stop. 

This weekend was also overshadowed by the national championships. 

My lot did quite well actually. 

Little bit proud. 

Blog Layout Designed by pipdig