Friday, 17 August 2018

| journal | 2018 | 08 | 17 | friday | tickets and topaz |

Okay so.

I know I keep on doing this.

Oh brilliant Sophie, you're gonna sort out your finances.


How many times have we done this?

Also here are some pictures of my legs.

Okay so the world is against me this week. Dad's car catching on fire was the epitome of something and... what do you think Margot is doing tonight?
#quoteswithnocontext #imnotreallysureeither

Thursday, 16 August 2018

| journal | 2018 | 08 | 16 | thursday | blatman |

I'm not sure if playing this during a meeting was my best idea. 

However they got the point. The sentiment. the real deal. 

i'm snoozy.
Sometimes I take a sleep aid.

I'm categorically, famously, the worst sleeper I know.

Some nights I'll survive on two hours. Some nights even less. Broken into 5 minute periods of sleep.

I've now cracked not picking up my phone, turning on the TV or distracting away the bored, however. That makes lying in the dark a very boring affair.


I did however, find my GCSE fiction submission which is quite something.

This is old content. Still don't know. 


'Jeanette! Jeanette ... we've got another ... one!'

He was out of breath, embarrassingly so given the proximity of his desk to the kitchen... though that was probably part of the problem. 

'Nigel take a seat you fool. I don't know how on earth you expect me to take anything from that sentence. It's really quite unhelpful.' 

She'd been smoking again, indoors. It had been an undisclosed mystery for them both as to why the smoke detector hadn't been set off - until he'd had a peek underneath the plastic cover and discovered the words 'DEMO - Do not use'. As the one in charge of all things safety related, he'd decided against replacing it, for that would involve a risk assessment for the use of a ladder. Not worth his time. She was just grateful her bad habit could remain within the confines of the building. 

'Right Jeanette.' He took a long pause, slowly raising his hand as if to emphasise the point. This gesture was missed entirely by his co-worker who had turned to acknowledge the freshly boiled kettle. 

'Jeanette if I could just have your full attention please?'

'Look Nigel I'm gasping for a cuppa. It's been at least 56 minutes since my last and you know how I get when it creeps over the hour!' Her voice was terse, a reflection of how she felt she would feel if she still relied on caffeine. It meant nothing that the tea in question was peppermint and she didn't drink it anyway because it was quite frankly disgusting. Beside the point. 

He lowered his hand. The dramatic effect would be achieved based on the merit of his words alone. The woman would listen.

They both mulled in silence (brew time is at least 3 minutes) before she nodded, a clear indication the story could continue.

'Right Jeanette. That's two in the past month. I think we're onto something here.' He grinned, waiting for her exuberant response. 

'Right Nigel. I really have had enough of all this mystery. Two what?' She pretended to take a sip, before grimacing at the taste she could only imagine. And who would want that anyway. 

He stood and clapped (another attempt at drama).

'We have found another obscure-ee!' The word hadn't quite rolled off the tongue in the way he had imagined, but secretly Nigel was quite pleased with how it sounded. Especially when coupled with another clap (for dramatic effect). 

'Well we're hardly going to get someone who could be described as anything different, are we Nigel? When you do insist on calling us 'The Agency of Obscure Skills'. If they were quite useful we'd send them packing.' She wasn't happy. This wasn't news. He was stating the obvious. 

'No, no, no Jeanette. you're completely missing my point. We now have more people on our books than we have ever had at any one time. Or even, ever had. I think it's time we go for it.'

Friday, 10 August 2018

| 2016.

my paddle skimmed lazily across the surface of the water, sending droplets up into the air - my own personal rainbow.

I sighed, an exhale of breath rather than a sign of discontent, and reached sideways for the landing pontoon, counteracting the lean of my boat. I stepped out without second thought and located my flip flops, strewn alongside a multitude of others.

The sun was hot, and on my back. Turning to face it, I searched for the other group across the water, my sunglasses doing little to help with the glare. Shrugging - for they were nowhere to be seen - I did what anyone else would do and flopped to the ground, catching my paddles as they threatened to roll into the water.

Minutes passed.

My breathing had slowed right down from the session and I was quietly humming to myself, absentmindedly picking at the racing stripes that had loyally stayed with Eddie, my old, but well loved K1.

Sitting with my feet resting gently on my seat, I realised for the first time that I had nowhere urgent to be.

It was okay to just be.

In that moment. In the present.

I was happy.

I was a whole person.

Not just parts of everyone else that kept me together.

I was smiling to myself as the rest of the group returned, their faces sun kissed and excited.

| life fail | bus w*nker | bring it back | 2014 throwback.

2014. The year I was a builder. 

- - -

I've been having rough luck lately. My usual level of clumsiness,  propensity for ridiculous situations and general inability to function in public have all spiralled out of control and I seem to be walking into far more malfunctions than fair. 

Take last week. I've been working from a not so close location and the bus has become a must (the 800 at 7:54am to be precise). Ordinarily I can manage with not many hours of sleep, but on this particular Thursday, my 6 hours were not enough. Even as I sat at the bus stop (a sorry sight), my head was nodding forwards and I could barely keep my eyes open. 

The fight to remain conscious took an aggressive turn minutes away from my destination. I was quite literally holding my eyes open and biting my cheek to stay focused, but even that wasn't holding back the waves of sleep. The inevitable happened. I gave in. Setting an alarm for five minutes time and putting my headphones in I leant forwards and allowed my body to shut down. 

Twenty minutes later.

I was awoken by a pain in my face. Specifically from contact with the head of the man in front of me. A groggy sense of realisation hit me as I fell sideways, completely out of control of my limbs. Landing awkwardly in the aisle, my momentum wasn't done with me yet, and I rolled down the small number of steps - an audience of twenty doing their best to hide bemusement and bewilderment as a twenty something squirmed on the floor. 

Nothing made sense, other than the fact I definitely wasn't in control of this situation. Hurrying to stand and retain any sort of dignity (my skirt had somehow made it's way to my boobs and I was definitely giving everyone an eyeful) I then looked out of the window. I had missed my stop. First thing first, my hurried and babbled apology to the middle aged man clutching the back of his head before, I ran to the driver.

'Please let me off. I'm so late for work'. In what I realised was a rare case of sympathy, he stopped at the next bus stop, his words ringing in my ears as I ran on.

'Maybe next time don't party so hard.'

They all thought I was drunk. If only that were the case. 

I can't even imagine how much the man who had had the misfortune of sitting in front of me would have hated his day. I hit him with some force. 

This is the real reason why I run - I still had a mile to cover before I was back at the right stop.


Thursday, 9 August 2018

Why is it that we've all become content in our bubbles of self preservation and self service.

You there with your branded shoes and car. Yes you.

why do you want it?

why does it make you feel good?

lets look at those status symbols. because i'm happy being my own status symbol. I don't buy my status from someone else.

you do.

you require validation from others to prove your self worth to yourself. and that's sad. because you should know your worth.

don't try and fob me off with 'it's better quality'. because most of what you buy isn't. there's not a linear correlation between price and longevity. 

I don't like posting things I write in anger. They normally sit in my drafts until I'm ready to delete them, or rephrase them in a way which won't cause some form of offense. I usually have more expletives than points. This one made me laugh though because 'being my own status symbol' is too much.

sophie lola. you are too much.

I think I should go and have a lie down.

she says at work.

avoiding work.

no i'm not i'm working hard.

listen to those keys go.

today. the day before yesterday.

it's not sporty spice, it's not baby spice, it's not even mild spice its actually exceptional spice.

charlie added too much chilli again and as always I put more in my mouth than is probably necessary.

I started reading 'to the lighthouse' over the weekend and I realise now that I don't want to know if they make it there.

I don't want to know the ending of the story, just the long, meandering road to get us there.

This will forever be the photo I am most proud of. Running 69 miles was the most physically and mentally challenging process I've had to overcome, and I have to be honest I could have dealt with it so much better.

I'm currently training for something bigger, technically more difficult and potentially more dangerous.

Sorry ;) .

 Morning runs are the best way to start your day.

there's no pressure.

I've done so many things I'm really proud of. 

but today my foot is bleeding all over my shoe and I can't make a plaster stick. 

Tuesday, 10 July 2018

I realised something today.

It struck home.

I haven't been paying attention.

I've been letting the small bits through.

I haven't been appreciating the little things in my life which are actually quite large.

The sunrise every day, which actually gives everything I know life.

The fact I have a roof over my head, running water in a tap and food in my cupboard.

I'm going to start slowing down.

Savouring every second.

Savouring every person.

Giving them my time because life can sometimes be so short and you never know which will be your last. Or theirs.

So make eye contact. Smile when they speak.

And don't take people for granted.

People aren't forever.

They're so temporary.


Tomorrow morning. I'm going to wake up early. And I'm going to paddle. Slowly. Because I can. And I'm going to enjoy the sunrise all the more for those who can't.

Tuesday, 3 July 2018

| journal | 2018 | 07 | 03 | tuesday | mopeds and butterflies |

Where have you been?

I have been here. Doing all the things which make me busy. And happy. There has been a lot of busy happiness. 

This is such a stark contrast from the events of last year I can't even comprehend. But equally. I don't really care. That was a long time ago. 

Tuesday, 19 June 2018

we're all fighting battles no one knows about.

we're all processing, dealing, accepting, acknowledging, denying, fighting, recovering from, grieving, uncomfortable, overwhelmed, disengaged, avoiding... but we're all at different places.

Monday, 18 June 2018

| journal | 2018 | 06 | 18 | monday | blue |

I think my favourite fact today was 'ostriches don't bury their heads in the sand.

'Its a ridiculous notion, and one we can disprove. It would make them vulnerable to predators, the elements and be generally uncomfortable'

Then this kicker. Which made me giggle for far too long.

'They also haven't developed the ability to breathe underground'.

See I would've put that first. But that's just me.

This weekend was too much.

I spent the entirety of Saturday sorting out the decking and to be honest, the only difference in these photos is my shoe placement.

It was also Father's day on Sunday. Jerry is my hero. 

 I'm making sufficient progress on this. Deadline is july. In case you were worried that I'm making a giant triangle, it's actually working diagonally across a square.

I'm going to address things today.
With a stamp. No but seriously. There are a lot of topics I'm omitting intentionally for reasons not here listed. It doesn't mean I'm not doing those things, it just means that they're not going to be featured on here.... like pictures of friends (which is why it's now entirely selfies), family events and major life changes. 
Past experience has taught a lot.